Monday, January 11, 2010

The First Post...

OK, so I started this anonymous blog so I could address all these food & weight issues that are so shameful, and maybe be rid of them!

I am 46 years old, I weight 260#, and I am addicted to food. It is my entertainment, it is my therapist, and sometimes my only companion. Diets and me DO NOT mix. I have been on more than I can count. My insurance company has told me they will not cover a gastric bypass, under any circumstances. And, if I had $10,000, I would use it to pay off bills and fix up the house. I could never afford to pay for that on my own.

So, let's is a big problem in my family (both sides). All the women are either terribly overweight or serious compulsive dieters. I always thought I was fat as a kid. Now I look at pictures now & think I was thin as a rail...but I always seemed to wear a larger size than my friends. I ended up with the Italian build that is part of my heritage. So, I always had hips and a but. But, I mostly hated my thighs (still do!). Until my last couple (huge) babies, I did have a flat stomach most of my life. Now it is so big I look pregnant all the time.

I never really liked exercise. I had this exercise induced asthma (which, I guess is a way of saying you are just out of shape), and I could not breathe during aerobic activity, even when I was young and "thin." For a short time in my 30s I really started to get into exercise. I was running and I loved it. I got down to a size 8! But family stressors got in the way of me taking that time for myself to exercise and it just went downhill from there.

There is a post I wrote a few years ago on another blog that might explain a little as to how I got here. It is kind of angry, but that is how I was feeling then:


Yeah, I'm fat…
You see me and that is what you think, right?

So, how fat am I?
Not really fat on the scale (HA) of fat
About 200 (OK, 210).
A size 18; give or take.
But to most people that is F-A-T, fat!

So, all you see when you see me is my fat face, my fat thighs, my fat ass…
And my lack of self-control
Which is what got me here, right?
Well, maybe that is part of it.
I will admit.
But, there is a lot you don't know about me.

But I don't ever have a chance to tell you how I got here, or make you listen to the story.

I don't get to tell you that I have five kids (no, I am not a "welfare mom").
I can't tell you that the last baby weighed over 11 pounds!
…but you'd probably say that was my fault.
Do you know that I had 5 abdominal surgeries in the span of 4 years?
Did you know I went through 4 pregnancies in the same period of time?
And two of those were losses?
Do you know that I have suffered from bouts of major depression most of my life?
And did you know that most anti-depressants cause major weight gain?
…something drug companies don't really like to make public.
Did you know that I spend most of my time caring for two very young disabled children?
You live my life and try staying a freaking size 6!

If it makes you feel any better, I used to be thin…
There was a time
In my 20s
That I had bulimia.
I was never "skinny"
Oh, but I was NOT fat!

I hated my body then, so much.
I still do.
But now I have a reason to.

So don't worry
I hate my body a thousand times more than you ever could.


Since I wrote that post I gained 50#. I WISH I could get into those 18s! My pants are 20s or 22s my shirts are at least 3X...4X if they are cotton (e.g., prone to shrinking).

I have a serious Diet Coke addiction. And, it does not help with weight loss. I love white cake, white bread, bagels, rolls, white rice, baked potatoes with sour cream...anything white, starchy, and with lots of carbs! I tried a low-carb diet once for a few weeks. I was miserable and in pain (ketosis was doing a number on my kidneys). The Dr told me to not go on those kind of diets. Thank goodness!

I liked Susan Powter's eating plan, and was on that for a while...but she has changed it quite a bit now. I lost LOTS of weight on the 6 Week Body Makeover Diet...I gained: gallstones, hair loss, and eventually, all the weight back! I have tried Jenny Craig (yuck), Weight Watchers (OY! points!), and a bunch of other fad diets.

OK, that is just a few of the diets. Why do I need to lose weight? Contrary to popular belief about fat people: my blood work is fine. My cholesterol is SO low (LDL is 76) that I think my Dr thinks I have someone else do my blood work. My BP is consistently low (90/60 range), and my glucose has never been elevated other than during my last pregnancy.

However, I have LOTS of health problems aggravated by weight: the biggy is fibromyalgia (sometimes crippling fatigue and pain). I have terrible GERD, stress incontinence (which is oh so fun), hypothyroidism, and insomnia. Lots of joint problems, especially in my knees and ankles. My Achilles are just shot.

I know that these will improve, if not disappear altogether, if I lose weight. I am tired of not being able to keep up with my kids or not having any clothes (or only having the option of buying UGLY clothes!) My husband loves me, a lot, but I don't think he is attracted to me any longer. He is understanding since he has a weight problem of his own, but I know that I would be a better wife, mother, and just a happier person if I were not burdened by this weight.

So this is my "transparent," so-to-speak, place to come clean with all this. I will try my best to write in this blog everyday. Write what I eat, if I got on that damn ellipitcal machine and worked out or not, whether I binged and why. I plan on really posting my feelings and the reality of fat and weight loss, so don't be surprised by it. Also, I curse. Just a warning. If you are really offended by it, I will warn you right now, I will curse some.

Hopefully, someone will join me in this journey, if not...this is just an online journal, I guess.

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