Tuesday, May 11, 2010

feeling a little better

Well, I stopped taking a certain medication and lost about 4# already this week! I am eating better and keeping VERY busy. Trying to keep my hands busy and eat only when I am hungry. So far so good. No specific diet, just trying to eat healthy and mindfully.

Monday, May 10, 2010

well...this is a vent and a half!

In case you haven't read my "about me" or my first few blog posts, this is a warning. I swear. If the "F-bomb" of the "S-bomb" or whatever bomb offends you, you probably should not read this. It is raw, real life :/

OK, for a while I let the accident get me down. I was injured pretty badly and in a lot of pain. I got mixed message from practitioners: don't lift/go back to normal; don't exercise/"oh, yes, by all means exercise," etc etc. So, being a person who would rather get dental work done (which I HATE) than exercise, I chose to not.

However, lately I have been feeling pretty good. Have energy. My back is doing great (I LOVE my chiropractor!) and I have been doing tons of yard work and gardening. We are setting up our yard (which has been neglected for years) and putting in our vegetable garden, something I haven't been able to get together for about 5 years or so.

HOWEVER, I have not lost any weight! Regardless of the level of exercise, giving up diet cokes totally for 8 weeks now (thank you very much), drinking TONS of water, getting enough sleep, etc etc. Still F-A-T!

My daughter got married last week. I didn't *feel* like the fattest person in the room. I guess I am in denial of my own size. But I was the HUGEST by a longshot! I looked like a C-O-W compared to everyone else of even "normal" size. My daughter is very thin, so I looked even bigger next to her.

My boobs are freaking huge! I finally got new bras that fit and support, but they are 42DDD! Holy shit! My shirts are still 3x-4x. Even where I live, where there are lots of fat people, I am F-A-T! Fatter than most.

Now, I know that there are people who are 400, 500, even 600 pounds. But hell, 265 (which is what I am now) is considered just fucking fat by most people!

And, losing weight? dieting? working out? Well, IT JUST SUCKS!!! I HATE IT! hate it, hate it, hate it! And, now I am MAD. I used to diet and work out so I looked *good*...sexy, pretty, hot, etc. Now, I am old with skin stretched out and blood vessels broken. I now need to diet & work out so I am not the biggest FREAK in the room. That is just not good motivation! I will never be hot and sexy again without at least 100K in plastic surgery and skin treatments (and even then? who knows?).

So, I am pissed that I have to do this...but I have to. Even if I kick and scream the whole way.

So, I guess I am back...if I even have any followers any more. It doesn't matter either way. I am doing it for me. For what's left of "me."