Sunday, January 31, 2010

Day 21 - new salad item, and not much else to report

My day (Sunday 1/31/10) -
Compared to yesterday, today was a piece of cake...well, no cake, but staying on track was pretty simple. Cravings were under control, so was my hunger. I found a great new salad addition: bamboo shoots! I like them anyway, and they are 10 cals for 1/2 cup!

Weigh-in is tomorrow and I am ambivalent. My water isn't what it should have been today. But, I am not making the mistake of chowing down on 100 cal popcorn the night before either (like I did last Sunday).

My post today is pretty boring. Sorry. Feel like I have bared my soul in a little in the last few. So, tomorrow will be better, I promise. Just reporting in today. Hope everyone had a good one!

Ultimate goal: HALF MY SIZE BY Sept 2012
Working goal: to fit back into those size 18 pants by May 1
**NEW** Mini Goal: STAY OFF THE SCALE UNTIL WEIGH-IN DAY!
Mini Goal: take my thyroid meds more regularly!


Food:
-bowl of HN cheerios cereal & milk (275)
-Luna Cookie (130)
-baked chicken (450 est)
-RK treat (90)
-crackers, LC cheese, tomato (105)
-Full bites (150)
-big salad with light dressing & almonds (180)
-LC meal (330)
-skinny cow ice cream (150)


total diet cokes today: 2
Calories:...1860

Daily Calorie Requirements: 2,579

500 calorie deficit: 2079
700 calorie deficit: 1879 (means "goal" ~10 months sooner!)

workout:
I was a SLUG today!

Water:
about 40 oz

Confession of the day: (good for the soul, no?)
nothing really.

Until tomorrow,
Two

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Day 20 ~ I Gotta Feelin' (rough day)

My day (Saturday 1/30/10) -
Well, I lost the fight with the scale this morning. Good news is, I am back down to 253. Maybe if I push the water & workouts, I can get down to 250 monday's weigh-in. Which would be cool! 10# is 3 weeks!?

I have been noticing that I eat about the same thing every day. The only changes, really, are the different lean cuisines (or smart ones) I eat. I don't know. Right now it's working for me. But, I am hoping to branch out soon and start cooking some LF/LC meals. At least that is what I keep telling myself. Right now I am just taking a break from full-on cooking for a little while. Especially with that impersonation of Julia Child I did over the holidays!

Later: It has been a really tough day for me. Today was one of the days my husband had to work and I was home with all the kids, all day. I wasn't really hungry, but I wanted to just eat & eat! I just felt this feeling of restlessness & was uncomfortable...only word that describes it. Not sure what that is about. I used to binge a lot on these days. I am not sure what it is about them that gets to me. The kids were not terribly difficult today.

I found a great paragraph last night in a book I am reading that pretty much hits the nail on the head. The book is called The Fattest Woman in Ireland by Patricia Mees Armstrong. If you would like to read more about the history of this book or about its author (it is quite an interesting story!) you can check out this blog or the website for the book. The author just recently passed away from breast cancer. Below is the paragraph. This takes place well into the book, after the woman is hospitalized and being treated for obesity:

"After each big runny feast's stuck in front o' me on that tray table, meself's left to chew on me thoughts. I hadn't really felt much o' anythin' fer years. I guess mebbe fat numbs yeh. Swellin's leavin' me frame, and me eyes and ears is more alert. Sister Monica had told me once at school that I was stuffin' down more than me food; feelin's was gettin' buried in the early grave o' me body, said she. So, I'm watchin' the rain sideways through the window. I'm Irish. Rain's a habit. Me fat's drainin' out o' me like me own personal rain shower. I'm gettin' bleedin' nervous about me thoughts. I'm thinkin' that bein' hungry's not always about the crisps and chips and mountians o' creamy, sweet trifle." (pp 127-128 The Fattest Woman in Ireland by Patricia Mees Armstrong. (2009). Crane Dance Publications, Eugene, Or.

I read that and was floored. I know all this logically. I used to be a licensed counselor. I have studied psychology and addiction and have been reading books about dieting, eating disorders, and losing weight most of my adult life. And, something like this still hits me in the gut (so to speak).


Ultimate goal: HALF MY SIZE BY Sept 2012
Working goal: to fit back into those size 18 pants by May 1
**NEW** Mini Goal: STAY OFF THE SCALE UNTIL WEIGH-IN DAY!
Mini Goal: take my thyroid meds more regularly!


Food:
-bowl of HN cheerios cereal & milk (275)
-Luna Cookie (130)
-melba rounds & LC cheese wedge (70)
-sandwich (300) -W bread, LC cheese, ham, tomato
-orange (86)
-crackers, LC cheese, tomato (105)
-100 cal popcorn (100)
-RK treat (90)
-Full bites (150)
-big salad with light dressing & almonds (140)
-LC meal (330)
-skinny cow ice cream (150)
-even more crackers, LC cheese, tomato (105)

total diet cokes today: 1.5
Calories:...2031

going to bed before I eat any more!!!!

Daily Calorie Requirements: 2,579

500 calorie deficit: 2079
700 calorie deficit: 1879 (means "goal" ~10 months sooner!)

workout:
Man! My legs were so rubbery today, I was only able to do 6 min on the machine. Oy! I am going to try to do some "power" housework this afternoon & hope for some calories burned!

Water:
about 50-60 oz

Confession of the day: (good for the soul, no?)
see above

Until tomorrow,
Two

Friday, January 29, 2010

Day 19 - The Pants FIT!!! Yay! & Goals (short & long term)

My day (Friday 1/29/10) -
It has been an OK day. Kind of busy & stressful. But, my husband came home from work early today, so that helped. I even got a nap this afternoon!

Today I wore a pair of pants that a couple weeks ago would have smothered me all day. But they fit perfect! My clothes are definitely starting to get looser! I need it too because I was really out of control over the holidays and barely had anything that fit before. After the holidays I really didn't have ANYTHING to wear except a couple pairs of sweats and one pair of HUGE jeans. Even my T-shirts didn't fit any longer. So, I was happy about that today! Makes me want to work even harder for the goal of getting back into the 10 or 12 pairs of size 18 jeans I have!

So, I am really trying to look toward my goals (short term as well as long term). Every time I go into the bathroom - which is a lot with all this water - I tell myself: "stay off the scale!" So far, so good. Here is a great article on The Importance of Setting Medium-Term Goals from the SparkPeople. It is important for me...because if I just look at that big, end goal, it becomes too overwhelming and far away to stay motivated.


Ultimate goal: HALF MY SIZE BY Sept 2012
Working goal: to fit back into those size 18 pants by May 1
**NEW** Mini Goal: STAY OFF THE SCALE UNTIL WEIGH-IN DAY!
Mini Goal: take my thyroid meds more regularly!


Food:
-bowl of HN cheerios cereal & milk (275)
-nutrigrain bar (135)
-KFC grill chx meal, partial (480 est)
-crackers, LC cheese, tomato (100)
-nutrigrain bar (135)
-RK treat (90)
-Full bites (150)
-big salad with light dressing & almonds (140)
-LC meal (220)
-skinny cow ice cream (150)

total diet cokes today: 2
Calories:...1875

Daily Calorie Requirements: 2,579

500 calorie deficit: 2079
700 calorie deficit: 1879 (means "goal" ~10 months sooner!)

workout:
traveling all day. No w/o

Water:
50 oz

Confession of the day: (good for the soul, no?)
Since I have to travel once a week to another town down south, I often do shopping there I cannot do at home. For instance, we have no Trader Joes in my town!!! So, I sometimes stop there & stock up on stuff. I did not today, fortunately. At Trader Joes they have one of my favorite binge foods. They have these almond chocolate cluster things that are just HEAVEN! I will often buy two boxes and eat one whole one on the way home! Then eat the other partially that night and the rest the next morning. Bad, bad, bad! I decided to do other shopping and maybe not go to Trader Joes until I am on my new eating plan for a while! :-)

Until tomorrow,
Two

Thursday, January 28, 2010

day 18 - Staying OFF the scale!

My day (Thursday 1/28/10) -
Very hungry today. Not sure why. I am also disappointed! I made the mistake of jumping on the scale this morning (NOT my weigh-in day) and my weight was back up to 255.5! (It was 253 on monday). I have not cheated once! I have been under my cal limit all week, working out, and even started drinking my water a couple days ago. I was MAD! That'll show me! Stay off the damn scale. So, my new mini goal is to avoid the scale until my weigh-in day.

By the way, if you want to see a good review of a new diet book: Cook Yourself Thin Faster, check out Pudget's blog!

Ultimate goal: HALF MY SIZE BY Sept 2012
Working goal: to fit back into those size 18 pants by May 1
**NEW** Mini Goal: STAY OFF THE SCALE UNTIL WEIGH-IN DAY!
Mini Goal: take my thyroid meds more regularly!


Food:
-bowl of HN cheerios cereal & milk (275)
-Quaker oats bkfst bar (175)
-crackers, LC cheese, tomato (100)
-KFC grill chx meal, partial (450)
-FF tapioca pudding (80)
-Full bites (150)
-big salad with light dressing & almonds (180)
-LC meal (210)
-skinny cow ice cream (150)

total diet cokes today: 2
Calories:...1770

Daily Calorie Requirements: 2,579

500 calorie deficit: 2079
700 calorie deficit: 1879 (means "goal" ~10 months sooner!)

workout:
my knees are WAY too sore from yesterday's workout. ugh. And, I have to travel tomorrow morning, didn't want to push myself into a flare. So, no workout today.

Water:
slower today that I should be...so far about 40 oz. trying to pick it up!

Confession of the day: (good for the soul, no?)
The scale is my nemesis! I have been known to weigh myself obsessively. But it's bad because I see progress as too slow & get discouraged. It is also a way I beat myself up. So, I am going to try really hard to stay off the scale!

Until tomorrow,
Two

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Day 17 -favorite snacks

My day (Wednesday 1/27/10) -
Home with two sick kids today. So, I am not planning on getting much done! But doing good today with food so far. The elliptical is calling my name. The baby is asleep and I need to get my butt in gear! I am still getting the hang of twitter. Still not sure if I like it. I much prefer facebook, or even myspace! But if you would like to follow me, the link is to the right.

Additionally, I have to say that I am so proud of the hubster! On his own he found a tool on livestrong.com where you can track you daily food intake & track calories and other nutritional info. He really likes it (which is important, so he will use it): http://www.livestrong.com/myplate/ This site is pretty impressive, check it out!

Oh, BTW, I ended up with 60 oz of water yesterday (yay me!) but was also up all night peeing (big surprise!). So, I am going to try for that again today. My new favorite food - an old favorite, actually - is Laughing Cow FL swiss cheese wedges. They are creamy and can be spread like cream cheese. I use them on sandwiches (so no mayo, or cheese slices), on bagels, or crackers. 35 cal, 2 g fat. Not bad. - One of my FAVORITE snacks to have with this is to spread them on 2 Wheat Thins Flat Bread crackers, tuscan herb (you can also use rye crisp) and to add a couple fat slices of Roma tomato on top. YUMMY! And only about 100 cal.


And, I have to report, that even thought I am generally very satisfied with the Full Bars I have used I have a problem....the bars are OK (apple, cocoa, etc) but not very tasteful. I guess that is how they are supposed to be since you eat them before a meal & you don't want a heavy, strongly sweet bar before the meal (though, myself, I have never had a problem starting with dessert!). And, the bites, they are very good! Something I might eat just because they are good. But, last night I had a peanut butter flavored bar. It was NAST-Y! I couldn't even finish it! I wouldn't even have enjoyed that bar if it were dipped in chocolate & topped with whipped cream. I certainly wont be getting that flavor again!



Ultimate goal: HALF MY SIZE BY Sept 2012
Working goal: to fit back into those size 18 pants by May 1
Mini Goal: more water!
Mini Goal: take my thyroid meds more regularly!


Food:
-bowl of HN cheerios cereal & milk (275)
-Quaker oats bkfst bar (175)
-sandwich (275) -W bread, LC cheese, ham
-crackers, LC cheese, tomato (100)
-lg orange (86)
-RK treat (90)
-LF/LS fudgescicle (40)
-Full bar (150)
-big salad with light dressing & almonds (180)
-LC meal (210)
-skinny cow ice cream (150)
-lg banana (120)

total diet cokes today: 1.5
Calories:...1851

Your Daily Calorie Requirements Are: 2,579 Calories Per Day

500 calorie deficit: 2079
700 calorie deficit: 1879 (means "goal" ~10 months sooner!)

workout:
18 minutes on the elliptical, sweatin' to Eminem.

Water:
60 oz

Confession of the day: (good for the soul, no?)
So, a couple weeks ago I talked about back fat (Day 6 post) and I have to say that now that I am losing some weight....it feels WORSE! ICK! The saggy loose skin. UCK UCK UCK! I know, it will get better (at least I HOPE it will) but when I move, I feel the skin flowing over & touching the lower skin. I HATE HATE HATE IT!

Until tomorrow,
Two

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

day sixteen - why it's working!!! And, playlist, as promised

My day (Tuesday 1/26/10) -Well, it's all a journey. But I am trying to figure out why, after all the many many years of dieting, trying to eat right, etc, that this time, it is finally clicking. Craving are almost non-existent most of the time. I am doing good at staying under my cal req for the day. I haven't been able to stay on a diet for more than a week in probably 10 years. Workouts could be more, but trying not to push that too hard right now due to health reasons.

I think part of it was something Tyler said on his blog (and for the life of me I cannot find it now). But, he talked about "fad" diets and slowly changing how you eat. That you can't maintain a loss if you can't maintain the diet. If you lose a bunch of weight on the carrot soup diet, how are you going to keep it off? Eat carrot soup for the rest of your life? No, you have to take the way you would eat and work with that. Now, why it took a man half my age to get through to me on that after I have been to diet clinics, counselors, nutritionists, etc I don't know. But, heck, when the student is ready the teacher will appear.

Reducing the amount of what I normally eat, tweaking it a little (low-fat/low calorie versions), and slowly adding healthy foods in at the same time seems to work. One change I made is I have a big salad every night with dinner. I mean a BIG one! I also eat fruit at least once a day (usually at the 3:00 slump time). I have been on plenty of diets where I quit eating "bad stuff" cold turkey (pun intended!) and the older I get, the harder it is. Impossible, in fact.

That being said, something I have always struggled with is cooking on a consistent basis. I am sporadic about it normally and we do eat prepared foods regularly. I just cannot cook an organic, vegetarian dinner every night! I just wont keep it up! So, lean cuisines (and the like) have worked for me. My husband and I eat them and a large salad at night (after we have our Full Bar supplement). It seems to work. I know that frozen diet dinners are not the most nutritious things, but they are portion controlled and the big salad give us some fresh, healthy food as well.

And, finally, I have to say that blogging has played a HUGE role in all this as well. I LOVE IT! People who follow me must say "DAMN, she posts every day!" But that is what is takes for me. It seems to work where nothing else has (WW weigh-ins, Jenny Craig check-ins, food logs for the nutritionist, online support groups, etc etc). So I am going to keep posting (and reading the blogs I follow, which is now about 10). Hopefully, it will be helpful to someone. And, I promise to title my posts better from now on, rather that just "day xxx" :-)

Ultimate goal: HALF MY SIZE BY Sept 2012
Working goal: to fit back into those size 18 pants by May 1
Mini Goal: more water!
Mini Goal: take my thyroid meds more regularly!


Food:
-bowl of HN cheerios cereal & milk (275)
-Quaker oats bkfst bar (175)
-crackers, LC cheese (95)
-lg orange (86) - it has been a very "snacky" morning
-LC sandwich (330)
-lg banana (120)
-crackers, LC cheese (95)
-Full bar (150)
-big salad with light dressing & almonds (200)
-LC meal (220)
-skinny cow ice cream sandwich (150)
-100 cal bag of popcorn (100)

total diet cokes today: 1.5
Calories:...1996 (a little bit over, but still under 500 deficit. The snacky morning got me...one 120 calorie banana too many for the day!)

Note on diet cokes: OK, I have been doing good at keeping them to 2 a day. Yesterday I went up to three and woke up today feeling like crap! Coincidence?

Your Daily Calorie Requirements Are: 2,579 Calories Per Day

500 calorie deficit: 2079
700 calorie deficit: 1879 (means "goal" ~10 months sooner!)



workout:
No workout today (unless you count carrying around a 20# baby most of the day!) I will probably do some crunches tonight.

Yesterday I said I would post my current playlist, so here it is (the starred songs are ones I almost always shuffle to during a workout, when I need an extra umph):

The Way You Move – Outkast

Ironic –Alanis Morissette

Bring Me Some Water – Melissa Ethridge

Lose Yourself – Eminem **

Superman – Eminem

I Would Die For You – Prince

Bitch - Alanis Morissette

My Humps – Black Eye Peas **

You Oughtta Know - Alanis Morissette **

Shake That – Eminem

I Will Survive – Aretha Franklin

Back In The Saddle Again – Aerosmith

Wild Thing – Sam Kennison

Dude Looks Like A Lady – Aerosmith

Walk This Way – Aerosmith

Mustang Sally – Grand Funk Railroad

Love Is A Battlefield – Pat Benetar & Queen Latifa (Remix)

Suck My Kiss – Red Hot Chili Peppers

‘Till I Collapse –Eminem & Nate Dogg

Bombs Over Bagdad – Outkast ***

Super Bitch – Christina Aguilera

The New Workout Plan – Kanye West

We Are The Champions – Queen

Pour Some Sugar On Me – Def Leppard

Booty – Erykah Badu

Fat Bottomed Girls – Queen

Pump It – Black Eyed Peas


My MP3 player list is VERY eclectic. I have Elvis, Harry Connick Jr, Eminem, Al Greene, George Michael, Garth Brooks, Indie Arie, Meat Loaf, The Monkeys, Tone Loc, James Brown....just to name a few. So, my workout list is pretty eclectic as well ;-)

Water:
ended up with 60 oz for the day!!!! {Angi, aren't you proud? :D}

Confession of the day: (good for the soul, no?)
I think the pictures yesterday are enough "confession" for me for a day or two. Can't get into anything right now.

Monday, January 25, 2010

day fifteen & "before" pictures

My day (Monday 1/25/10) -So, last night was pretty hard. The baby would not sleep and was up & down until 3:30 am. I ended up eating (in addition to yesterday's food already posted" about 250 more cals. Not bad, considering, but I was doing so well yesterday. Well, hopefully this won't be an every night occurrence, but you never know with babies. She has become such a light sleeper! But, other than that, today has not been too bad so far. I am tired. I am not getting much done around the house. But, I worked out & ate like I needed. So, pretty good.


Ultimate goal: HALF MY SIZE BY Sept 2012
Working goal: to fit back into those size 18 pants by May 1
Mini Goal: more water!
Mini Goal: take my thyroid meds more regularly!


Food:
-bowl of HN cheerios cereal & milk (275)
-Quaker oats bkfst bar (175)
-smart ones meal (250)
-crackers, LC cheese, tomato (100)
-FF tapico pudding (80)
-Luna Cookie (140)
-full bites (150)
-big salad with light dressing & almonds (200)
-LC meal (320)
-skinny cow ice cream sandwich (150)

total diet cokes today: 3
Calories:...1840 (spot on!)

Your Daily Calorie Requirements Are: 2,579 Calories Per Day

500 calorie deficit: 2079
700 calorie deficit: 1879 (means "goal" ~10 months sooner!)



workout:
18 minutes on elliptical (finally got a good workout playlist. Will post tomorrow if anyone is interested)

Water:
working on that...probably 20 oz today

Confession of the day: (good for the soul, no?)
Ok, here are the pictures of my hugeness! OMG! This is why I didn't want to take them. It is HARD to post these! This is after 2 weeks & a loss of 7 pounds. I know I am actually smaller than I was 2 weeks ago, since my pants are fitting looser.

I have to add one explanation, however...that gut? While, yes, it is F-A-T, it is also stretched WAY out my 5 VERY LARGE babies over the past 20+ years. The last being over 11#. Not to mention the C-section, hysterectomy, and other abdominal surgeries I have had don't help with muscle tone! So, not sure how much of the flat stomach I used to have I can reclaim without the help of some very expensive surgery!

It is really tough to post these picks and makes me feel like all is hopeless. I worry about losing weight & still having all this skin! I guess I cross that bridge when I come to it. Save up for surgery, or try to get my insurance to pay for part (because it causes medical problems....but that's TMI!).










and, no, I am not leaning forward in this pic ---> ...that IS my butt!



****WEIGH-IN WEEK TWO****

Starting weight: 260
last week: 256.5

today: 253

Result: -3.5#
Total loss: -7#


YA!!!!!

This week I am going to work on putting more priority on 1) working out, and 2) water

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Day 14 - working out @ night/weight prejudice & medical field

My day (Sunday 1/24/10) -SO, working out last night was not that great of an idea. It was good to work out. However, most the time I try to work out at night, I can't sleep. So I was up until 3:30am, trying not to eat! I ate about 10 melba toast rounds (about 115 cal) but that is about it. Now I am dead tired today! --- and my butt is sore! Wondering if anyone else has this same issue (working out at night keeping them up). I used to be able to go to the gym at 10pm, workout for an hour or so, shower & go to sleep @ midnight & wake up the next day fine. But...I guess getting old sucks!

Also, found a new "Full" product to eat before dinner: full bites - they sell them at my grocery store now....the cheddar ones are really good! You eat them and drink a glass of water and, for me, they work pretty well. and last most of the evening (which is one of my worst times).


Ultimate goal: HALF MY SIZE BY Sept 2012
Working goal: to fit back into those size 18 pants by May 1
Mini Goal: more water!
Mini Goal: take my thyroid meds more regularly!



Food:
-bowl of cereal & milk (275)
-crackers & LC cheese (95)
-1/2 LC lasagne (145)
-green beans w/almonds & tiny bit of EVOO (50)
-chicken leg, baked (275)
-RK square (90)
-full bites (150)
-big salad w/ light dressing (180)
-LC dinner (320)
-skinny cow ice cream (140)

total diet cokes today: 2
Calories:...1720

Your Daily Calorie Requirements Are: 2,579 Calories Per Day

500 calorie deficit: 2079
700 calorie deficit: 1879 (means "goal" ~10 months sooner!)



workout:
none today.

Water:
20 oz (10 cal) vitamin water + 20 oz water

Confession of the day: (good for the soul, no?)
tomorrow I WILL take pics & post them...that will be my "confession" for the day. I have been avoiding it because I don't want to see them :(



Also, I keep meaning to share this great article about weight prejudice & the medical field:

The surprising reason why being overweight isn't healthy

"It's shocking, but it's true: Being a woman who's more than 20 pounds overweight may actually hike your risk of getting poor medical treatment. In fact, weighing too much can have surprising -- and devastating -- health repercussions beyond the usual diabetes and heart-health concerns you've heard about for years....." (read more)

until tomorrow,
Two

Saturday, January 23, 2010

day thirteen -mindful vs mindless eating

My day (Saturday 1/23/10) - Feeling very optimistic about this week's weigh-in. My pants are fitting looser!!! YEAH! It is getting easier to avoid "mindless eating." I have been reading a book on mindful eating. It is helpful and makes sense to me as I am a Buddhist. Mindfulness is one of the keystones of Buddhism. Food and eating is one area where I have not been a very good Buddhist. Not at all! So, this book is helping.

Also, in the hopes of getting a supportive following, I have begun to subscribe to, visit, and comment on other WL blogs. I am hoping that will help. Thanks for anyone who is checking out my new blog. Please leave a comment so I know you are out there :-)

late: got my first comment today! woohoo! So excited. There are actually people out there! AND: my first "follower" - YAY!

Also, I am adding a Twitter account for this blog. Or, I guess I should say, I am tweeting as well as blogging? I usually don't use twitter. I am normally a facebook person. But I will try it: https://twitter.com/twoofmee


Ultimate goal: HALF MY SIZE BY Sept 2012
Working goal: to fit back into those size 18 pants by May 1
Mini Goal: more water!


Food:
-bowl of cereal & milk (275)
-Quaker oaks bfst "cookie" (175)
-half chx breast (baked) (202)
-crackers & LC cheese (95)
-Spec K bar (90)
-full bar (160)
-big salad w/ light dressing (180)
-LC dinner (320)
---I may have a skinny cow ice cream for dessert, but that is only another 140 cal, so that would be 1637 for the day....ya hoo!

total diet cokes today: 2
Calories:...1497

Your Daily Calorie Requirements Are: 2,579 Calories Per Day

If I eat 500 calories less is than that, it is: 2079...
Which is what I need to try for each day.




workout:
13 min of pretty intense elliptical & some crunches

Water:
12 oz so far. Will try for more before I go to bed! Will try to get to 24 oz today.

Confession of the day: (good for the soul, no?)
Sex is not so great (or at least as not as great as it used to be) when you both get fat! One of the reasons I am losing weight is to make that better. Now that's a motivator! :D


until tomorrow,
Two

Friday, January 22, 2010

day twelve - A New Discovery: Full Bars

OK, here is my day (Friday 1/22/10) - OK, starting with a clean slate today. Yesterday got progressively worse. But, instead of it being an excuse to just say "screw it!" I am just letting it go & heading into today.

So, tried something new today: Both my husband and I had a full bar before dinner. Both of us have a hard time with nighttime eating. And, I have to say, it worked pretty good. I ate dinner 3 hours ago and I still feel very full! My husband didn't even finish his dinner (which is a miracle!). I was skeptical, but they work pretty good. Now that I can buy then at the store (for about $1.50 rather than from an infomercial) I think I might try them out.



Ultimate goal: HALF MY SIZE BY Sept 2012
Working goal: to fit back into those size 18 pants by May 1
Mini Goal: more water!


Food:
-bowl of cereal & milk (275)
-bagel (plain) (300) - those darn bagels! grrrr
-lots o' chicken (baked) 1 thigh & 3 wings (553)
-RK treat (180)
-bar (100)
-full bar (100)
-Chicken (baked) (153)
-big salad w/ light dressing (180)
-brussel sprouts (100)
-lg orange (86)

total diet cokes today: 2
Calories:...2027
Damn good day, I say!

Your Daily Calorie Requirements Are: 2,579 Calories Per Day

If I eat 500 calories less is than that, it is: 2079...
Which is what I need to try for each day.




workout:
None. fought off a migraine after the drive today. But will work out tomorrow for sure.

Water:
12 oz (working on it!) I am going to drink more right now! :)

Confession of the day: (good for the soul, no?)
Hmmmm....what to write today? I guess I can talk about sweet/salty binges. One of the cravings I have is for sweets. But after a while, it gets to much. But if I eat something salty, I can then go back to eating sweets. I seem to need to continue to eat them even after my body is telling me: "blech! Enough sweets already!" - Some how the salty/savory foods enable me to eat even more sweets.


until tomorrow,
Two

Thursday, January 21, 2010

day eleven - Ricki Lake article (260 to 130!)

OK, here is my day (Thursday 1/21/10) - I am glad payday isn't until tomorrow, so I wont be going to the grocery store until tomorrow...because I feel a binge right below the surface. I have nothing at home that is really turning me on about binging on it. But, if I go to the store in this state, who knows what I will buy.

I am having some frustrations with the baby. She is seven months now & starting to be very stubborn about naps & eating & going to bed at night. We are having a sort of "battle of the wills." That is stressing me out because I am just too old for it. And, It is hard, sometimes, to be the grandma (and wanting to spoil her like crazy) and at the same time the "mom" (who has to make sure she isn't too spoiled).

LATER: Tonight was BAD. I wouldn't say I "binged" per se, but I did have a snack fest. I probably went up to my daily calorie requirement, if not a little more. But, instead of beating myself up for not writing it all down, I am posting this as is and working on a "clean slate" theory.

Ultimate goal: HALF MY SIZE BY Sept 2012
Working goal: to fit back into those size 18 pants by May 1
Mini Goal: more water!


Food:
start again tomorrow!
See above

total diet cokes today: 3
Calories:...


Your Daily Calorie Requirements Are: 2,579 Calories Per Day

If I eat 500 calories less is than that, it is: 2079...
Which is what I need to try for each day.




workout:
LOTS of pain today. No workout.

Water:


Confession of the day: (good for the soul, no?)
Again, maybe not a confession, but....I really really loathe my body right now. I feel like a big, fat, pig! Nothing I wear looks good. I look like a "fat lady." My body jiggles when I walk (and NOT in a good way). Everything feels confining. I feel trapped.

Ricki Lake – Half My Size
Ricki Lake used to weight 260 pounds. She conquered her weight issues and went from a size 24 to a size 2.
http://www.bittenandbound.com/2007/12/06/ricki-lake-half-my-size/
http://ifitandhealthy.com/ricki-lake-weight-loss-and-workout/






until tomorrow,
Two

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

day ten

OK, here is my day (Wednesday 1/20/10) -

I had a realization today: I DON'T have to give into every craving I have! Believe it or not, that is a revelation for me. I have been having really tough sweet craving. The salty/crunchy cravings I can deal with with some of the low cal stuff I have gotten. The sweet, that is another story. So, I started buying gums & mints to see what might help as a distraction from that.

What seems to help me the most are these mints called: Ice Breakers Sours
For some reason, one (yeah, one!) of these can distract me from the sweet craving until it passes. One piece is less than 5 cal and there are about 50 pieces in one pack.


Also, got up early this morning and was hungry...so, instead of the whole bowl of cereal, I ended up eating ONE rice krispie treat (only 90 cal). Satisfied the need for carbs/sugar & was able to stop with that.

So, two new products I will keep on hand.

Ultimate goal: HALF MY SIZE BY Sept 2012
Working goal: to fit back into those size 18 pants by May 1............
Mini Goal: more water!


Food:
-bowl of cereal & milk (290)
-melba toast & LC cheese (85)
-honey wheat berry bread (160)
-ham (70)
-LC cheese (35)
-NF pudding (60)
-wheat thins "chips" (180)
-puff corn (180)
-lg orange (86)
-spec K cereal (240)
-Lean Cuisine meal (320)
-big salad (180)
-LF popcorn (150)

total diet cokes today: 2
Calories:...2037

Your Daily Calorie Requirements Are: 2,579 Calories Per Day

If I eat 500 calories less is than that, it is: 2079...
Which is what I need to try for each day.




workout:
1:15pm SO>...now the question is (now that the baby is finally asleep & everyone is out of the house): Do I nap, or workout!?? I know I should workout...I could really use time to lay down as well. Maybe a workout, then a nap? :)

Later: worked out for a little bit on the elliptical and did some crunches but the baby woke up & I didn't get as much done as I should....never got a nap either!

Water:
If I don't start filling this out soon, you are going to start doubting my commitment to my goals. So, I need to get busy in this area!!!

Vitamin water (20oz)
Working on this right now

Confession of the day: (good for the soul, no?)
none for today...no time. gotta get to bed!

until tomorrow,
Two

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

day nine

OK, here is my day (Tuesday 1/19/10) - very tired today. Hard to get moving! Was up last night with some minor insomnia. Working (at home, since that is where I work) because I am POOR this month. So, it is motivation to get a lot done!


Ultimate goal: HALF MY SIZE BY Sept 2012
Working goal: to fit back into those size 18 pants by May 1............
Mini Goal: more water!


Food:
-bowl of Life cereal & milk (240)
-wheat thin flatbread w/laughing cow cheese (285)
-honey wheat berry bread (160)
-ham (70)
-Luna cookie (140)
-big salad (180)
-LC pizza (320)
-lg orange (86)
-spec K & milk (300)
-banana (105)


total diet cokes today: 3
Calories:...1886 (getting easier!)


Your Daily Calorie Requirements Are: 2,579 Calories Per Day

If I eat 500 calories less is than that, it is: 2079...
Which is what I need to try for each day.




workout:
I did not work out today :-(

Water:
Some vitamin water

Confession of the day: (good for the soul, no?)
Not sure if this is a confession or not....but if I don't lose weight in my breasts with all this, I think I will need a breast reduction! I am so tired of them. They spill out of the 42DD bras I have. My back & neck hurt all the time. I have permanent inch deep divots in my shoulders from my bra straps. It is hard to move around with these things! ugh!

until tomorrow,
Two

Monday, January 18, 2010

Day eight

OK, here is my day (Monday 1/18/10) - So, one thing I think I need to do is break this snacking habit. Right now, I have just changed to low-cal snacks, but I am still grazing. I don't think it is good because I am going to get tired of those low cal snacks pretty soon!


Ultimate goal: HALF MY SIZE BY Sept 2012
Working goal: to fit back into those size 18 pants by May 1............
Mini Goal: more water!


Food:
-bowl of Life cereal & milk (240)
-honey wheat berry bread (160)
-~1T butter (100) OUCH!
-LC cantelloni (240)
-rice krispie treat (90)
-wheat thin flatbread w/laughing cow cheese (190)
-mini rice cakes (140)
-CK cereal (260) ---need to get some more oranges at least so I stop this late afternoon snack. This is getting me back into old habits.
-Lean Cuisine meal (320)
-fudgescicles (80)
-melba toast (75)
-other snacks (290)


total diet cokes today: 3
Calories:...2185

UPDATE: A little over today...having a slight problem with insomnia tonight. Hopefully, cals will stay where they are. Going to do my best to get a workout in the AM. Most of the kids will be in school, and I should be able to.

Your Daily Calorie Requirements Are: 2,579 Calories Per Day

If I eat 500 calories less is than that, it is: 2079...
Which is what I need to try for each day.




workout:
worked up quite a sweat doing housework for several hours this morning...then I crashed and had lots of pain. I didn't want to risk a full-on flare, so no machine today.

Water:
vitamin water

Confession of the day: (good for the soul, no?)
OK, here is a good one! Couldn't sleep again tonight until 1:30am. I was so desperate for something sweet to eat that I ate the VERY stale candy corn I found on top of the fridge. Have you ever eaten stale candy corn? I am lucky they didn't break my teeth. With all that I ate tonight (candy corn and a butter "sandwich"), I probably need to add 500 calories to my daily total.

But, here is a story of a women who lost 132#
http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/story?id=4924602&page=1


until tomorrow,
Two

Diet quotes....Just 'cause :-)

These are funny ones that I really like-----

Albert Einstein, who discovered that a tiny amount of mass is equal to a huge amount of energy, which explains why, as Einstein himself so eloquently put it in a famous 1939 speech to the Physics Department at Princeton, "You have to exercise for a week to work off the thigh fat from a single Snickers." ~Dave Barry, Dave Barry Turns 50

The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books - how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook. ~Andy Rooney

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends. ~Author Unknown

Food has replaced sex in my life; now, I can't even get into my own pants. ~Author Unknown

Forget about calories - everything makes thin people thinner, and fat people fatter. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966


And serious ones that I think are really true!!

The first thing you lose on a diet is your sense of humor. ~Author Unknown

The one way to get thin is to re-establish a purpose in life. ~Cyril Connolly, The Unquiet Grave

****WEIGH-IN WEEK ONE****

last week: 260
today: 256.5

Result: -3.5#

YA!!!!!

Not the most dramatic first week I have had on a "diet" but pretty good considering I am picking my own food and for the first half of the week I was above my calorie limits.



Sunday, January 17, 2010

Day seven...one whole week!

OK, here is my day (Sunday 1/17/10) - Two issues have come up since my last posting that I realize are barriers in losing weight:

1) Insomnia: comes with the fybromyalgia territory. But when I am up like I was last night (until 4:30 am) I end up eating. I didn't really have a full-on binge...mostly things like rice cakes, LF crackers, one pc of candy....I can't remember all of it. I had taken some lunesta (and then some more) so, it is a bit fuzzy. But I do remember thinking: "well, I am going over my cal limit for the day, but it is not too bad to do it with 20 mini rice cakes and some melba toast"

2) Irritability (more aptly: MAJOR bitchiness!). One of the reasons I think that some of us eat too many simple carbs is (DUH!) it makes us feel good! Meaning that maybe we didn't feel so good in the first place. There has been some suggestion that low carb diets lead to depression (see this article for an example). Now, I am NOT on a low carb diet, but cutting my calories means cutting my carb consumption drastically.

However, I have also struggled with depression most of my life; and whenever I diet, it is worse - whether I am on meds or not. Sure, we all get a little grumpy when we can't have what we want. But I am talking about being so irritable that I am afraid I might attack someone who looks at me wrong in the grocery store!

There are ups and downs. But the past few days have been rough. I am on celexa, but have added some 5HTP supplements to my routine. Hopefully, that will help a little. I guess the point is that fat, and weight loss are complex issues. Those of us going through it know it is much more than about will power. Hell, you want to see someone who needs will power? Try running into friends who, the last time they saw you, you weight 100# less than you do now. Takes all my will power to not say "oh, I am sorry, you must be mistaking me for someone else"!



Working goal: to fit back into those size 18 pants by May 1............
Mini Goal: more water!


Food:
-bowl of Life cereal & milk (240)
-snack of crackers, laughing cow cheese, and veggies (195)
-honey wheat berry bread (160)
-ham (70)
-melba rounds (50)
-LC cheese (35)
-big salad w/ light dressing & almonds (abt 150)
-lean cuisine sesame chicken (320)
-rice krispie treat (90)
-fudgescicle (40)
-FF tapioca (80)
-rice cakes (100)
-Coc Krispie cereal and milk (270)


total diet cokes today: 3
Calories:...1800


Your Daily Calorie Requirements Are: 2,579 Calories Per Day

If I eat 500 calories less is than that, it is: 2079...
Which is what I need to try for each day.




workout:
heavy housework

Water:
none

Confession of the day: (good for the soul, no?)
Here's a good one...did not have a great childhood, and food was a huge, dysfunctional issue in my family. When I was tween, I used to have to walk past a grocery store on the way home. A few of us girls would go in there every day and pack our backpacks with candy bars, cookies, and other fattening snacks, and I mean pack them!

We weren't able to pay for these, so part of the thrill was doing something wrong. Then we would meet outside the store and gorge ourselves on the stuff before we went home. I remember that so vividly, and remember that I used to eat SO MUCH of that crap. Probably more than the other girls. I didn't think about my weight. I was NOT fat, but I already thought I was, so I had already given up.



until tomorrow,
Two

Saturday, January 16, 2010

day six

OK, here is my day (Saturday 1/16/10) - NO middle of the night eating last night! No Salad today. I still might get one in tonight. But, kind of nice to take a break from it one day. Didn't have too much of an appetite today (fighting off a cold). Also didn't work out. Did some shopping, some housework, but certainly nothing aerobic! However, good news: My husband fixed my elliptical machine...no more squeaks!!! Yay!



Working goal: to fit back into those size 18 pants by May 1............
Mini Goal: more water!


Food:
-bowl of Life cereal & milk (240)
-Daves Killer bread, (2) toasted w/cream cheese (260+100)
-half sandwich from store deli (est 300)
-2 rice krispie treat (180)
-YUMMY Taco Soup recipe from a friend (est 650)
-serving of cheese "puff corn" (180)


total diet cokes today: 3
Calories:...1910 (pretty good!)


Your Daily Calorie Requirements Are: 2,579 Calories Per Day

If I eat 500 calories less is than that, it is: 2079...
Which is what I need to try for each day.




workout:
none

Water:
none

Confession of the day: (good for the soul, no?)
OK, here is a hard one...and a TMI one too: When I stand up straight, I can feel the rolls of fat on my back touching each other!

Kind of like this ---->

But worse! I hate it. This is something new, in the past year or so that I have experienced. It is a constant reminder!

ICK!!!!!

until tomorrow,
Two

Friday, January 15, 2010

Day five

OK, here is my day (Friday 1/15/10) - NO middle of the night eating last night! However, today was tough. One of my weakest times is when I am tired & haven't had enough sleep. I tend to eat to make up for feeling like I can't get the rest I need. I guess it makes sense, in a way (taking care of myself by feeding myself when I can't rest when I need to) but I need LOTS of sleep, and most often can't get it with the baby and the other kids. So, there ends up being lots of those times and I get fat. Mostly, because during those times all I want are simple carbs (when I probably should be eating protein). So, that is why there is that big, caloric bagel in the middle of my day!



Working goal: to fit back into those size 18 pants by May 1............
Mini Goal: more water!


Food:
-bowl of Life cereal & milk (240)
-nutrigrain bar (140)
-KFC grilled 2 pc meal (w/ biscuit :-/ ) (585)
-large bagel (364!!!)
-big salad w/ regular dressing, little wonton crisps & almonds (abt 350)
-lg orange (86)
-melba toast (100)
-Frosted Flakes (160)
-rice krispie treat (90)
-4 tator tots (75)


total diet cokes today: 3
Calories:...2190 ( I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! Even with all that "grazing" and snacking, I didn't do that bad)


Your Daily Calorie Requirements Are: 2,579 Calories Per Day

If I eat 500 calories less is than that, it is: 2079...
Which is what I need to try for each day.




workout:
None, as I expected. I was just too beat from the drive and visit today. Fibromyalgia just sucks!

Water:
Again, none. It doesn't seem like I am working on this very well, does it?

Confession of the day: (good for the soul, no?)
Can't think of anything to write here tonight. Will do better tomorrow :-)


until tomorrow,
Two

Thursday, January 14, 2010

day four

OK, here is my day (Thursday 1/14/10) - NO middle of the night eating last night! However, I woke up tired and sore! I am determined, however, to work out this afternoon while the baby sleeps (now getting the baby to sleep might be the harder part of that!). Someone put the camera somewhere and I can't find it, so I have yet to take "before" pictures.

Later: OK, I found the camera. I promise to get some pictures soon! It has been a tough day for me, just all around. Nothing in particular. But, I have managed to do OK.



Working goal: to fit back into those size 18 pants by May 1............
Mini Goal: more water!


Food:
-bowl of Life cereal & milk 240
-Daves Killer bread, (2) toasted w/cream cheese (260+100)
-KFC grilled 2 pc meal (no biscuit) (490) - which was YUMMY!
-lg orange (86)
-1 serving of wheat thins "chips" (120)
-sm fudgescicle (40)
-bowl of cereal & milk (250) - this was a cheat, a comfort eating thing :(
-big salad w/ light dressing & almonds (abt 150)
-lean cuisine sesame chicken (320)
-Melba Rounds (Whole Grain Sea Salt) (75) tastes pretty good.

total diet cokes today: 4! oops!
Calories:...2131 (closer every day!)


Your Daily Calorie Requirements Are: 2,579 Calories Per Day

If I eat 500 calories less is than that, it is: 2079...
Which is what I need to try for each day.




workout:
Over 16 minutes! yeah! - I really need to figure out how to make that damn machine stop squeaking though! ARG!

Water:
none! The more diet coke I drink, the less water...hmmm

Confession of the day: (good for the soul, no?)
One of my favorite cheats was to stop by a bakery in the area and get a HUGE piece of poppy seed/marion berry cake (with SINFUL icing) and eat the whole thing on my way home & hide the container deep in the outside trash. Wow, talk about secretive eating!!!



Tomorrow is Friday, and on Fridays I have to drive down south for a while, and usually see my eldest daughter (again, a stressor that usually triggers eating with me). Not sure if I can work out tomorrow or not. I am going to have to get over not being able to work out when my family is home since it is a three day weekend though!


until tomorrow,
Two

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Day three

OK, here is my day (Wednesday 1/13/10) - NO middle of the night eating last night! I did end up eating 3 crackers to settle my stomach before I went to bed, but didn't eat anything after that. hooray! I have also been really good at not weighing myself. I usually cheat on that one, but I will wait until Monday morning. Promise!



Working goal: to fit back into those size 18 pants by May 1............
Mini Goal: more water!


Food:
-bowl of Life cereal & milk 240
-snapple dragonfruit vitamin water (130 cal)
-Daves Killer bread, (2) toasted w/cream cheese (260+100)
-2 eggs & 1 1/2 pces of Daves Killer Bread* (plain) (200 + 156)
-FF Tapioca (80)
-Banana (105)
-Luna Cookie (130)
-big salad w/ light dressing & almonds (abt 150)
-lean cuisine sesame chicken (320)
-rice krispie treat (90)
-Special K Cereal w/ milk (350)

total diet cokes today: 2
Calories:....2311 - closer than yesterday!!!


*I know that this bread is high in calories and I could probably find some much lower....but it is full of great stuff, high in both fiber & protein...so I thought it was a good trade off.



Your Daily Calorie Requirements Are: 2,579 Calories Per Day

500 calories less is: 2079...what I need to shoot for each day.



workout:
Well, the camera wasn't handy today, but I did 13 minutes! I actually got into triple digit calorie-burning territory! I added some music today and (I think) I have got my crappy machine to stop squeaking for a bit. Pity because it is almost new...but you get what you pay for in those home machines!

Water:
I am drinking a big glass as I write! But that is about it for the day.

Confession of the day: (good for the soul, no?)
Diet Coke addiction: This has been going on since I was 17 or 18. First thing in the morning, I crack open a diet coke. I CRAVE the taste of it. I can drink a 6pack a day, easily. I know it is just terrible for me, but have never been able to stop for any length of time. But when I have, I am always lost weight!

until tomorrow,
Two

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Day two

OK, here is my day (Tuesday 1/12/10) - I have been running around half the day. Had to go about an hour down south and do errands/appts in another town. I didn't get back home until 1:00. Then had to pick up kids at 3:00 and start the evening routine. So, not much "me" time today!



However, I have started to think about goals, and set one for myself today: to fit back into those size 18 pants by May 1............



Food:
-bowl of Life cereal & milk (plus the one I had in the middle of the night...see below) at least 240
-two whopper Jrs, no mayo (Nope, no fries) (520 cal)
-snapple dragonfruit vitamin water (130 cal)
-nutrigrain bar, strawberry (140)
-cheddar mini ricecakes (100)
-lg orange (90)
-Daves Killer bread, toasted w/cream cheese (260+100)
-sm rice crispie treat (153)
-big salad w/ light dressing & almonds (abt 150)
-lean cuisine veggie pizza (ok, not great) (320)
-mini rice cakes (80)
total diet cokes today: 3
Calories: 2283


UPDATE: 1am. Having lots of problems with nausea. That happens when I eat less...I usually end up eating (mostly carbs) to make it go away. I don't tolerate the feeling well. I know that it probably has something to do with my GERD, and losing weight will lessen that. Wow, vicious circle, eh?

So, I did eat a bagel before "bed" which wasn't really bed since the baby is having a hard time getting to sleep and I have been up with her (she just went to bed -XX- fingers crossed!). But, now I am still stuck with eating or not. Can I sleep with the nausea there? Is it just an excuse to eat something more?


So, after feeling so guilty and trying to figure out if I was eating too much, I decided to go to the Basal Metabolic Rate Calculator and see what I should be eating and figure out the calories above...

Your Daily Calorie Requirements Are: 2,579 Calories Per Day

With my caloric intake of 2283 today, the bagel at 288, puts me right at the top of that number. So, no deficit today. I guess today is a wash.


workout:
didn't end up working out today. I think it would have been pushing it for me, with the drive and all today. I ended up having to do a lot of work tonight and my husband was late getting home. But, MUST workout tomorrow...no excuses!

Water:
well, again, need to work on this. Had one vitamin water...and some melted ice in my diet coke at BK :-/

Confession of the day: (good for the soul, no?)
I was disappointed in myself today. I am still doing middle-of-the-night eating - usually cereal. Sometimes I am hungry, but sometimes not. I have developed with habit of getting up and eating cereal (some kiddie crap too, not all bran or anything like that, but you probably guessed that). I did get up sometime in the night last night & have a bowl of cereal. But, after lunch, I seriously wanted a candy bar & did not buy one. So, not perfection, but better...

until tomorrow,
Two

Monday, January 11, 2010

Day one

OK, here is my day (monday 1/11/10)...and I am going to try to publish some pics in either this post or the next.

weight 260#
I guess I should do some measurements soon!

Food:
-TWO diet cokes before 10 (ugh!)
-1c grape nuts w/ 2t sugar & 1/2 c milk
-1 lg bagel with 2T LF strawberry CC (I am really hungry between bfst & lunch...I usually eat a large snack around 10)
-FF tapioca pudding
-15 cheddar mini rices cakes
-lg orange
-UGH, another diet coke!
-nutrigrain bar, strawberry (I have started keeping these in the car so I eat them when I am hungry rather than a drive-thru burger)
-big salad with light dressing & slivered almonds
-lean cuisine (sesame chicken)

WOW, that seems like a lot (and it is less than I probably normally eat). I haven't started counting calories yet - one step at a time - but I wonder how many calories it is?!

UPDATE: about 8pm: cravings are getting really bad. I could totally eat a whole batch of chocolate chip cookies (home baked, of course). Had a visit with my eldest daughter today and that is always stressful & makes me want to eat! But so far I have not!

UPDATE: 9:30pm...ok, let's add yet another diet coke and a couple more handfuls of rice cakes. I guess the day has been OK, but not perfect.


workout:
OK, proud of myself today because 1) I did NOT take a nap, but jumped on the elliptical machine. And, while it might not seem like much time to most people, I worked out the longest I have been able to since I got the thing a couple mos ago...And, I almost got all the way around the "circle."


I have to try really hard to not compare what I can do now to what I used to be able to do for a workout. Because I used to workout a lot. I did circuit training for 30 min and treadmill or elliptical machine for about 45 min. So 10 minutes seems like nothing compared to that. But it is a lot more than I have been able to do recently. So, it's a start!





....well, actually, I did end up taking a nap. But that was after I worked out. Post exercise fatigue is part of fibromyalgia. and I had it today.


Water:
well, none, unless you count a bottle of 10 cal vitamin water.

This is an area I need to work on!

Confession of the day: (good for the soul, no?)
I have been hiding food for a while so my husband did not see I was eating whole boxes of twinkies or whole packages of oreos. I would hide them in my car or in the garage.

The First Post...

OK, so I started this anonymous blog so I could address all these food & weight issues that are so shameful, and maybe be rid of them!

I am 46 years old, I weight 260#, and I am addicted to food. It is my entertainment, it is my therapist, and sometimes my only companion. Diets and me DO NOT mix. I have been on more than I can count. My insurance company has told me they will not cover a gastric bypass, under any circumstances. And, if I had $10,000, I would use it to pay off bills and fix up the house. I could never afford to pay for that on my own.

So, let's see...food is a big problem in my family (both sides). All the women are either terribly overweight or serious compulsive dieters. I always thought I was fat as a kid. Now I look at pictures now & think I was thin as a rail...but I always seemed to wear a larger size than my friends. I ended up with the Italian build that is part of my heritage. So, I always had hips and a but. But, I mostly hated my thighs (still do!). Until my last couple (huge) babies, I did have a flat stomach most of my life. Now it is so big I look pregnant all the time.

I never really liked exercise. I had this exercise induced asthma (which, I guess is a way of saying you are just out of shape), and I could not breathe during aerobic activity, even when I was young and "thin." For a short time in my 30s I really started to get into exercise. I was running and I loved it. I got down to a size 8! But family stressors got in the way of me taking that time for myself to exercise and it just went downhill from there.

There is a post I wrote a few years ago on another blog that might explain a little as to how I got here. It is kind of angry, but that is how I was feeling then:


Fat

Yeah, I'm fat…
You see me and that is what you think, right?

So, how fat am I?
Not really fat on the scale (HA) of fat
About 200 (OK, 210).
A size 18; give or take.
But to most people that is F-A-T, fat!

So, all you see when you see me is my fat face, my fat thighs, my fat ass…
And my lack of self-control
Which is what got me here, right?
Well, maybe that is part of it.
I will admit.
But, there is a lot you don't know about me.

But I don't ever have a chance to tell you how I got here, or make you listen to the story.

I don't get to tell you that I have five kids (no, I am not a "welfare mom").
I can't tell you that the last baby weighed over 11 pounds!
…but you'd probably say that was my fault.
OK.
Do you know that I had 5 abdominal surgeries in the span of 4 years?
Did you know I went through 4 pregnancies in the same period of time?
And two of those were losses?
Do you know that I have suffered from bouts of major depression most of my life?
And did you know that most anti-depressants cause major weight gain?
…something drug companies don't really like to make public.
Did you know that I spend most of my time caring for two very young disabled children?
You live my life and try staying a freaking size 6!

If it makes you feel any better, I used to be thin…
There was a time
In my 20s
That I had bulimia.
I was never "skinny"
Oh, but I was NOT fat!

I hated my body then, so much.
I still do.
But now I have a reason to.

So don't worry
I hate my body a thousand times more than you ever could.

-------------------------

Since I wrote that post I gained 50#. I WISH I could get into those 18s! My pants are 20s or 22s my shirts are at least 3X...4X if they are cotton (e.g., prone to shrinking).

I have a serious Diet Coke addiction. And, it does not help with weight loss. I love white cake, white bread, bagels, rolls, white rice, baked potatoes with sour cream...anything white, starchy, and with lots of carbs! I tried a low-carb diet once for a few weeks. I was miserable and in pain (ketosis was doing a number on my kidneys). The Dr told me to not go on those kind of diets. Thank goodness!

I liked Susan Powter's eating plan, and was on that for a while...but she has changed it quite a bit now. I lost LOTS of weight on the 6 Week Body Makeover Diet...I gained: gallstones, hair loss, and eventually, all the weight back! I have tried Jenny Craig (yuck), Weight Watchers (OY! points!), and a bunch of other fad diets.

OK, that is just a few of the diets. Why do I need to lose weight? Contrary to popular belief about fat people: my blood work is fine. My cholesterol is SO low (LDL is 76) that I think my Dr thinks I have someone else do my blood work. My BP is consistently low (90/60 range), and my glucose has never been elevated other than during my last pregnancy.

However, I have LOTS of health problems aggravated by weight: the biggy is fibromyalgia (sometimes crippling fatigue and pain). I have terrible GERD, stress incontinence (which is oh so fun), hypothyroidism, and insomnia. Lots of joint problems, especially in my knees and ankles. My Achilles are just shot.

I know that these will improve, if not disappear altogether, if I lose weight. I am tired of not being able to keep up with my kids or not having any clothes (or only having the option of buying UGLY clothes!) My husband loves me, a lot, but I don't think he is attracted to me any longer. He is understanding since he has a weight problem of his own, but I know that I would be a better wife, mother, and just a happier person if I were not burdened by this weight.

So this is my "transparent," so-to-speak, place to come clean with all this. I will try my best to write in this blog everyday. Write what I eat, if I got on that damn ellipitcal machine and worked out or not, whether I binged and why. I plan on really posting my feelings and the reality of fat and weight loss, so don't be surprised by it. Also, I curse. Just a warning. If you are really offended by it, I will warn you right now, I will curse some.

Hopefully, someone will join me in this journey, if not...this is just an online journal, I guess.