How do I feel about me?? I am too tired to tell you!

Haven't had much time to blog lately. Been working WAY too many hours...but it is necessary. Financially, we are tight, to say the least. We are in serious danger of losing our home. So, like most people who own their own business, the more I work, the better the business does. It is tough, while the boys are at summer camp, I am home with the baby (now a toddler) and have no $ for day care. So, I have to get whatever I can done in-between taking care of her. Sometimes I work at night as well, but I am so exhausted by then, I often don't get much done.

Doing OK on food. However, I am getting quite bored of high-protein stuff! So, a lot of times, I just don't eat. Sometimes I exist on sunflower seeds and SF jello pudding cups. Seriously. I have started having oatmeal for breakfast. I LOVE oatmeal, so that has been nice. I haven't noticed too much of a difference in my blood sugar or on the scale, so I guess I can get away with it for a while. Taking a break from the Atkins bars as well. There are only a few I like, and I am also bored with those.

Am happy to eat hamburgers (with fixins) without the bun, with a knife & fork. And, 3 whopper Jrs at Burger King (no bun) is cheaper and sometimes more satisfying that my previous fave: Low-carb $6 burger at Carls Jr.
My confession as of late is that I am finding that I am seriously resentful of people. Especially people who are thin and have that young look in their eyes; their shiny hair. I tell you, middle-age just sucks! Being fat on top of it makes you like a being from another planet. My self-esteem has taken a tremendous hit in the past few years, probably the past 7-10 years, but I am really noticing it lately. And, I am going to have to do something about it! Not sure what, but I need to do something. Walking around hating everyone who is what I am not is NOT the answer!

I really feel the need to do some exercise. Right now, I can only manage floor stuff (like stretches, crunches, etc). My foot has been hurting so badly that I can hardly stand it. I need to go to the Dr (actually, the podiatrist) but just thinking about that, the copay, the time away, getting a sitter, and the like, has turned me off of it. But, I need to get it done. Also, I am kind of afraid of what they will say. My Achilles has been messed up for some time. I know I have achilles tendonitis (already diagnosed), but am also pretty sure I have plantar fasciitis and I am afraid I now may also have heel spurs. I think I have let things go too long and will eventually need surgery. Somewhere, I am in denial about all this and think I will someday run again. Another reason to resent getting old!
OK, so when is my feeling of wisdom and experience outweigh the regret and disappointment I feel for losing my youth? I think that part of the problem is that I can't live the life of an almost 50-year-old women. I have little kids and a baby...that stuff is for YOUNG people! God, I am tired!

OK, enough of that!

I can't believe how much I am feeling sorry for myself, I started to take a nap after that last post. I was lying there, thinking about all I had to get done today, about all I have accomplished, and about all I have (counting blessings type of thing) and realized I am *so* feeling sorry for myself!

Instead of napping (something I do NOT need to do!), I hit the on-demand beginning yoga program I have been working on and got a little farther in the program today. Still can't finish it and it is very hard to make my rolly-poly body get into those poses, but I went further than I did earlier this week. Now, I am typing this and drinking a glass of water. Yay for me! :D

Thus far, this is my favorite pose. I can feel the vertebrae in my spine popping & relaxing when I do this pose (forward fold):



So, enough blogging today...got lots of stuff to do. The baby won't stay asleep for much longer!

Best,
Two

well...this is a vent and a half!

Disclaimer:
In case you haven't read my "about me" or my first few blog posts, this is a warning. I swear. If the "F-bomb" of the "S-bomb" or whatever bomb offends you, you probably should not read this. It is raw, real life :/

OK, for a while I let the accident get me down. I was injured pretty badly and in a lot of pain. I got mixed message from practitioners: don't lift/go back to normal; don't exercise/"oh, yes, by all means exercise," etc etc. So, being a person who would rather get dental work done (which I HATE) than exercise, I chose to not.

However, lately I have been feeling pretty good. Have energy. My back is doing great (I LOVE my chiropractor!) and I have been doing tons of yard work and gardening. We are setting up our yard (which has been neglected for years) and putting in our vegetable garden, something I haven't been able to get together for about 5 years or so.

HOWEVER, I have not lost any weight! Regardless of the level of exercise, giving up diet cokes totally for 8 weeks now (thank you very much), drinking TONS of water, getting enough sleep, etc etc. Still F-A-T!

My daughter got married last week. I didn't *feel* like the fattest person in the room. I guess I am in denial of my own size. But I was the HUGEST by a longshot! I looked like a C-O-W compared to everyone else of even "normal" size. My daughter is very thin, so I looked even bigger next to her.

My boobs are freaking huge! I finally got new bras that fit and support, but they are 42DDD! Holy shit! My shirts are still 3x-4x. Even where I live, where there are lots of fat people, I am F-A-T! Fatter than most.

Now, I know that there are people who are 400, 500, even 600 pounds. But hell, 265 (which is what I am now) is considered just fucking fat by most people!

And, losing weight? dieting? working out? Well, IT JUST SUCKS!!! I HATE IT! hate it, hate it, hate it! And, now I am MAD. I used to diet and work out so I looked *good*...sexy, pretty, hot, etc. Now, I am old with skin stretched out and blood vessels broken. I now need to diet & work out so I am not the biggest FREAK in the room. That is just not good motivation! I will never be hot and sexy again without at least 100K in plastic surgery and skin treatments (and even then? who knows?).

So, I am pissed that I have to do this...but I have to. Even if I kick and scream the whole way.

So, I guess I am back...if I even have any followers any more. It doesn't matter either way. I am doing it for me. For what's left of "me."

Two

Day 20 ~ I Gotta Feelin' (rough day)

My day (Saturday 1/30/10) -
Well, I lost the fight with the scale this morning. Good news is, I am back down to 253. Maybe if I push the water & workouts, I can get down to 250 monday's weigh-in. Which would be cool! 10# is 3 weeks!?

I have been noticing that I eat about the same thing every day. The only changes, really, are the different lean cuisines (or smart ones) I eat. I don't know. Right now it's working for me. But, I am hoping to branch out soon and start cooking some LF/LC meals. At least that is what I keep telling myself. Right now I am just taking a break from full-on cooking for a little while. Especially with that impersonation of Julia Child I did over the holidays!

Later: It has been a really tough day for me. Today was one of the days my husband had to work and I was home with all the kids, all day. I wasn't really hungry, but I wanted to just eat & eat! I just felt this feeling of restlessness & was uncomfortable...only word that describes it. Not sure what that is about. I used to binge a lot on these days. I am not sure what it is about them that gets to me. The kids were not terribly difficult today.

I found a great paragraph last night in a book I am reading that pretty much hits the nail on the head. The book is called The Fattest Woman in Ireland by Patricia Mees Armstrong. If you would like to read more about the history of this book or about its author (it is quite an interesting story!) you can check out this blog or the website for the book. The author just recently passed away from breast cancer. Below is the paragraph. This takes place well into the book, after the woman is hospitalized and being treated for obesity:

"After each big runny feast's stuck in front o' me on that tray table, meself's left to chew on me thoughts. I hadn't really felt much o' anythin' fer years. I guess mebbe fat numbs yeh. Swellin's leavin' me frame, and me eyes and ears is more alert. Sister Monica had told me once at school that I was stuffin' down more than me food; feelin's was gettin' buried in the early grave o' me body, said she. So, I'm watchin' the rain sideways through the window. I'm Irish. Rain's a habit. Me fat's drainin' out o' me like me own personal rain shower. I'm gettin' bleedin' nervous about me thoughts. I'm thinkin' that bein' hungry's not always about the crisps and chips and mountians o' creamy, sweet trifle." (pp 127-128 The Fattest Woman in Ireland by Patricia Mees Armstrong. (2009). Crane Dance Publications, Eugene, Or.

I read that and was floored. I know all this logically. I used to be a licensed counselor. I have studied psychology and addiction and have been reading books about dieting, eating disorders, and losing weight most of my adult life. And, something like this still hits me in the gut (so to speak).


Ultimate goal: HALF MY SIZE BY Sept 2012
Working goal: to fit back into those size 18 pants by May 1
**NEW** Mini Goal: STAY OFF THE SCALE UNTIL WEIGH-IN DAY!
Mini Goal: take my thyroid meds more regularly!

Food:
-bowl of HN cheerios cereal & milk (275)
-Luna Cookie (130)
-melba rounds & LC cheese wedge (70)
-sandwich (300) -W bread, LC cheese, ham, tomato
-orange (86)
-crackers, LC cheese, tomato (105)
-100 cal popcorn (100)
-RK treat (90)
-Full bites (150)
-big salad with light dressing & almonds (140)
-LC meal (330)
-skinny cow ice cream (150)
-even more crackers, LC cheese, tomato (105)

total diet cokes today: 1.5
Calories:...2031

going to bed before I eat any more!!!!

Daily Calorie Requirements: 2,579

500 calorie deficit: 2079
700 calorie deficit: 1879 (means "goal" ~10 months sooner!)

workout:
Man! My legs were so rubbery today, I was only able to do 6 min on the machine. Oy! I am going to try to do some "power" housework this afternoon & hope for some calories burned!

Water:
about 50-60 oz

Confession of the day: (good for the soul, no?)
see above

Until tomorrow,
Two

Day seven...one whole week!

OK, here is my day (Sunday 1/17/10) - Two issues have come up since my last posting that I realize are barriers in losing weight:

1) Insomnia: comes with the fybromyalgia territory. But when I am up like I was last night (until 4:30 am) I end up eating. I didn't really have a full-on binge...mostly things like rice cakes, LF crackers, one pc of candy....I can't remember all of it. I had taken some lunesta (and then some more) so, it is a bit fuzzy. But I do remember thinking: "well, I am going over my cal limit for the day, but it is not too bad to do it with 20 mini rice cakes and some melba toast"

2) Irritability (more aptly: MAJOR bitchiness!). One of the reasons I think that some of us eat too many simple carbs is (DUH!) it makes us feel good! Meaning that maybe we didn't feel so good in the first place. There has been some suggestion that low carb diets lead to depression (see this article for an example). Now, I am NOT on a low carb diet, but cutting my calories means cutting my carb consumption drastically.

However, I have also struggled with depression most of my life; and whenever I diet, it is worse - whether I am on meds or not. Sure, we all get a little grumpy when we can't have what we want. But I am talking about being so irritable that I am afraid I might attack someone who looks at me wrong in the grocery store!

There are ups and downs. But the past few days have been rough. I am on celexa, but have added some 5HTP supplements to my routine. Hopefully, that will help a little. I guess the point is that fat, and weight loss are complex issues. Those of us going through it know it is much more than about will power. Hell, you want to see someone who needs will power? Try running into friends who, the last time they saw you, you weight 100# less than you do now. Takes all my will power to not say "oh, I am sorry, you must be mistaking me for someone else"!



Working goal: to fit back into those size 18 pants by May 1............
Mini Goal: more water!


Food:
-bowl of Life cereal & milk (240)
-snack of crackers, laughing cow cheese, and veggies (195)
-honey wheat berry bread (160)
-ham (70)
-melba rounds (50)
-LC cheese (35)
-big salad w/ light dressing & almonds (abt 150)
-lean cuisine sesame chicken (320)
-rice krispie treat (90)
-fudgescicle (40)
-FF tapioca (80)
-rice cakes (100)
-Coc Krispie cereal and milk (270)


total diet cokes today: 3
Calories:...1800

Your Daily Calorie Requirements Are: 2,579 Calories Per Day

If I eat 500 calories less is than that, it is: 2079...
Which is what I need to try for each day.

workout:
heavy housework

Water:
none

Confession of the day: (good for the soul, no?)
Here's a good one...did not have a great childhood, and food was a huge, dysfunctional issue in my family. When I was tween, I used to have to walk past a grocery store on the way home. A few of us girls would go in there every day and pack our backpacks with candy bars, cookies, and other fattening snacks, and I mean pack them!

We weren't able to pay for these, so part of the thrill was doing something wrong. Then we would meet outside the store and gorge ourselves on the stuff before we went home. I remember that so vividly, and remember that I used to eat SO MUCH of that crap. Probably more than the other girls. I didn't think about my weight. I was NOT fat, but I already thought I was, so I had already given up.



until tomorrow,
Two