How do I feel about me?? I am too tired to tell you!

Haven't had much time to blog lately. Been working WAY too many hours...but it is necessary. Financially, we are tight, to say the least. We are in serious danger of losing our home. So, like most people who own their own business, the more I work, the better the business does. It is tough, while the boys are at summer camp, I am home with the baby (now a toddler) and have no $ for day care. So, I have to get whatever I can done in-between taking care of her. Sometimes I work at night as well, but I am so exhausted by then, I often don't get much done.

Doing OK on food. However, I am getting quite bored of high-protein stuff! So, a lot of times, I just don't eat. Sometimes I exist on sunflower seeds and SF jello pudding cups. Seriously. I have started having oatmeal for breakfast. I LOVE oatmeal, so that has been nice. I haven't noticed too much of a difference in my blood sugar or on the scale, so I guess I can get away with it for a while. Taking a break from the Atkins bars as well. There are only a few I like, and I am also bored with those.

Am happy to eat hamburgers (with fixins) without the bun, with a knife & fork. And, 3 whopper Jrs at Burger King (no bun) is cheaper and sometimes more satisfying that my previous fave: Low-carb $6 burger at Carls Jr.
My confession as of late is that I am finding that I am seriously resentful of people. Especially people who are thin and have that young look in their eyes; their shiny hair. I tell you, middle-age just sucks! Being fat on top of it makes you like a being from another planet. My self-esteem has taken a tremendous hit in the past few years, probably the past 7-10 years, but I am really noticing it lately. And, I am going to have to do something about it! Not sure what, but I need to do something. Walking around hating everyone who is what I am not is NOT the answer!

I really feel the need to do some exercise. Right now, I can only manage floor stuff (like stretches, crunches, etc). My foot has been hurting so badly that I can hardly stand it. I need to go to the Dr (actually, the podiatrist) but just thinking about that, the copay, the time away, getting a sitter, and the like, has turned me off of it. But, I need to get it done. Also, I am kind of afraid of what they will say. My Achilles has been messed up for some time. I know I have achilles tendonitis (already diagnosed), but am also pretty sure I have plantar fasciitis and I am afraid I now may also have heel spurs. I think I have let things go too long and will eventually need surgery. Somewhere, I am in denial about all this and think I will someday run again. Another reason to resent getting old!
OK, so when is my feeling of wisdom and experience outweigh the regret and disappointment I feel for losing my youth? I think that part of the problem is that I can't live the life of an almost 50-year-old women. I have little kids and a baby...that stuff is for YOUNG people! God, I am tired!

kind of mad today

Ok, I am kind of pissed today. First off, I had a follow up exam with the chiropractor and I have to go for at least 6 more weeks. Ugh!

Second, I have lost now, a total of 24# in one month. Do you think that ANYONE has said to me "wow, you have lost weight" - Nope, not a one! Not even my husband. Sad, mad, hurt!

I am so damn fat that 24# is just a drop in the big, huge, bucket that is me! :(

I just feel so depressed today. Someone say something to make me feel better :)

Day 14 - working out @ night/weight prejudice & medical field

My day (Sunday 1/24/10) -SO, working out last night was not that great of an idea. It was good to work out. However, most the time I try to work out at night, I can't sleep. So I was up until 3:30am, trying not to eat! I ate about 10 melba toast rounds (about 115 cal) but that is about it. Now I am dead tired today! --- and my butt is sore! Wondering if anyone else has this same issue (working out at night keeping them up). I used to be able to go to the gym at 10pm, workout for an hour or so, shower & go to sleep @ midnight & wake up the next day fine. But...I guess getting old sucks!

Also, found a new "Full" product to eat before dinner: full bites - they sell them at my grocery store now....the cheddar ones are really good! You eat them and drink a glass of water and, for me, they work pretty well. and last most of the evening (which is one of my worst times).


Ultimate goal: HALF MY SIZE BY Sept 2012
Working goal: to fit back into those size 18 pants by May 1
Mini Goal: more water!
Mini Goal: take my thyroid meds more regularly!


Food:
-bowl of cereal & milk (275)
-crackers & LC cheese (95)
-1/2 LC lasagne (145)
-green beans w/almonds & tiny bit of EVOO (50)
-chicken leg, baked (275)
-RK square (90)
-full bites (150)
-big salad w/ light dressing (180)
-LC dinner (320)
-skinny cow ice cream (140)

total diet cokes today: 2
Calories:...1720

Your Daily Calorie Requirements Are: 2,579 Calories Per Day

500 calorie deficit: 2079
700 calorie deficit: 1879 (means "goal" ~10 months sooner!)

workout:
none today.

Water:
20 oz (10 cal) vitamin water + 20 oz water

Confession of the day: (good for the soul, no?)
tomorrow I WILL take pics & post them...that will be my "confession" for the day. I have been avoiding it because I don't want to see them :(



Also, I keep meaning to share this great article about weight prejudice & the medical field:

The surprising reason why being overweight isn't healthy

"It's shocking, but it's true: Being a woman who's more than 20 pounds overweight may actually hike your risk of getting poor medical treatment. In fact, weighing too much can have surprising -- and devastating -- health repercussions beyond the usual diabetes and heart-health concerns you've heard about for years....." (read more)

until tomorrow,
Two