How do I feel about me?? I am too tired to tell you!

Haven't had much time to blog lately. Been working WAY too many hours...but it is necessary. Financially, we are tight, to say the least. We are in serious danger of losing our home. So, like most people who own their own business, the more I work, the better the business does. It is tough, while the boys are at summer camp, I am home with the baby (now a toddler) and have no $ for day care. So, I have to get whatever I can done in-between taking care of her. Sometimes I work at night as well, but I am so exhausted by then, I often don't get much done.

Doing OK on food. However, I am getting quite bored of high-protein stuff! So, a lot of times, I just don't eat. Sometimes I exist on sunflower seeds and SF jello pudding cups. Seriously. I have started having oatmeal for breakfast. I LOVE oatmeal, so that has been nice. I haven't noticed too much of a difference in my blood sugar or on the scale, so I guess I can get away with it for a while. Taking a break from the Atkins bars as well. There are only a few I like, and I am also bored with those.

Am happy to eat hamburgers (with fixins) without the bun, with a knife & fork. And, 3 whopper Jrs at Burger King (no bun) is cheaper and sometimes more satisfying that my previous fave: Low-carb $6 burger at Carls Jr.
My confession as of late is that I am finding that I am seriously resentful of people. Especially people who are thin and have that young look in their eyes; their shiny hair. I tell you, middle-age just sucks! Being fat on top of it makes you like a being from another planet. My self-esteem has taken a tremendous hit in the past few years, probably the past 7-10 years, but I am really noticing it lately. And, I am going to have to do something about it! Not sure what, but I need to do something. Walking around hating everyone who is what I am not is NOT the answer!

I really feel the need to do some exercise. Right now, I can only manage floor stuff (like stretches, crunches, etc). My foot has been hurting so badly that I can hardly stand it. I need to go to the Dr (actually, the podiatrist) but just thinking about that, the copay, the time away, getting a sitter, and the like, has turned me off of it. But, I need to get it done. Also, I am kind of afraid of what they will say. My Achilles has been messed up for some time. I know I have achilles tendonitis (already diagnosed), but am also pretty sure I have plantar fasciitis and I am afraid I now may also have heel spurs. I think I have let things go too long and will eventually need surgery. Somewhere, I am in denial about all this and think I will someday run again. Another reason to resent getting old!
OK, so when is my feeling of wisdom and experience outweigh the regret and disappointment I feel for losing my youth? I think that part of the problem is that I can't live the life of an almost 50-year-old women. I have little kids and a baby...that stuff is for YOUNG people! God, I am tired!

Day 22- stress eating & preparing for the week to come

My day (Monday 2/1/10) -
Have a very stressful week coming up. I am trying to steel myself for it. Today is a no-school day for our district, so I have all the kids home again. Tomorrow, I have lots of errands to run & it is my only day to do it. Then, Wednesday my son goes up to Shriners Hospital to see if he needs to schedule surgery again (will be his seventh, he is 6 years old). Then, on Thursday, my husband has surgery. It is a pretty minor thing but because they have to cut through a large muscle to get where they are going, he has to go to the hospital to do it. He will then be off for the rest of the week & the following week. ugh

Friday is traveling again, as usual, down south for a visit. Tonight is a visit too but here in town. My granddaughter is in our care as a foster child as my oldest daughter (20) is very mentally ill. I am getting nervous as the date for the permanency hearing is fast approaching. I am so unsure of what the state will do with our granddaughter (give her to her mother - they removed her at birth, so she has never really"had" her to raise yet) or leave her with us so that we may adopt her (we have had her since she was a week old, she is now almost 8 mos). Another reason I am trying to lose some serious weight so I don't look like an elephant in a suit next time we go to court.

My teenage daughter is getting ready to finish her GED next week, start work, and go to community college (she is 16, but skipping high school...I can't really explain why, because I don't know, but she is being responsible about it). So, this week she is out looking for jobs. I hope it isn't as bad out there as I hear!

So, for a stress-eater like me, this is a serious test of my eating plan!!! Lots of being out of my comfort zone (and it is funny that Tyler wrote about this just today in his blog), away from home, traveling, health issues with family members, etc etc etc. I am going to have to redouble my efforts to stay on track this week.

Ultimate goal: HALF MY SIZE BY Sept 2012
Working goal: to fit back into those size 18 pants by May 1
**NEW** Mini Goal: STAY OFF THE SCALE UNTIL WEIGH-IN DAY!
Mini Goal: take my thyroid meds more regularly!

Food:
-bowl of HN cheerios cereal & milk (275)
-Luna "Cookie" (130)
-sandwich (300) -W bread, LC cheese, ham, tomato
-FF tapioca pudding (80)
-RK treat (90)
-crackers, LC cheese, tomato (210)
-orange (86)
-Full bites (150)
-big salad with light dressing & almonds (180)
-LC meal (220)
-skinny cow ice cream (150)

total diet cokes today: 2
Calories:...1871

Daily Calorie Requirements: 2,579

500 calorie deficit: 2079
700 calorie deficit: 1879 (means "goal" ~10 months sooner!)

workout:
Well, I think I have recovered from my "work outs" this last week. It is funny, there is this post exertion fatigue (and pain!) with fibromyalgia that is kind of a self-perpetuating cycle. You don't do too much because you feel exhausted for days after, but you don't do much, so you are tired & out of shape. It is a tough cycle to break out of. You have to know just how much you can do without pushing yourself too far. I certainly cannot work out like a lot of people I read about...what is this SHRED stuff anyway??! That would put me down for a month!

However, now that I am feeling better, I have gotten a lot of work done that has been neglected in the past several days. Lots of cleaning, paperwork, work-work, etc. I know I must have burned SOME calories with that. And, I guess burning calories getting something constructive done is better than just cruisin' on the elliptic machine. I think that I will try to go for more walks. That does not tire me out as much.

Water:
50 oz

Confession of the day: (good for the soul, no?)
When I got up this morning at 4:30 with the baby, I think I ended up eating a rice krispie treat (that is not logged with yesterdays food). I dont really remember too well. But I know I ate something. But, so far, no bowls of kiddie cereal in the middle of the night for weeks now. That is amazing!

Until tomorrow,
Two

Day 20 ~ I Gotta Feelin' (rough day)

My day (Saturday 1/30/10) -
Well, I lost the fight with the scale this morning. Good news is, I am back down to 253. Maybe if I push the water & workouts, I can get down to 250 monday's weigh-in. Which would be cool! 10# is 3 weeks!?

I have been noticing that I eat about the same thing every day. The only changes, really, are the different lean cuisines (or smart ones) I eat. I don't know. Right now it's working for me. But, I am hoping to branch out soon and start cooking some LF/LC meals. At least that is what I keep telling myself. Right now I am just taking a break from full-on cooking for a little while. Especially with that impersonation of Julia Child I did over the holidays!

Later: It has been a really tough day for me. Today was one of the days my husband had to work and I was home with all the kids, all day. I wasn't really hungry, but I wanted to just eat & eat! I just felt this feeling of restlessness & was uncomfortable...only word that describes it. Not sure what that is about. I used to binge a lot on these days. I am not sure what it is about them that gets to me. The kids were not terribly difficult today.

I found a great paragraph last night in a book I am reading that pretty much hits the nail on the head. The book is called The Fattest Woman in Ireland by Patricia Mees Armstrong. If you would like to read more about the history of this book or about its author (it is quite an interesting story!) you can check out this blog or the website for the book. The author just recently passed away from breast cancer. Below is the paragraph. This takes place well into the book, after the woman is hospitalized and being treated for obesity:

"After each big runny feast's stuck in front o' me on that tray table, meself's left to chew on me thoughts. I hadn't really felt much o' anythin' fer years. I guess mebbe fat numbs yeh. Swellin's leavin' me frame, and me eyes and ears is more alert. Sister Monica had told me once at school that I was stuffin' down more than me food; feelin's was gettin' buried in the early grave o' me body, said she. So, I'm watchin' the rain sideways through the window. I'm Irish. Rain's a habit. Me fat's drainin' out o' me like me own personal rain shower. I'm gettin' bleedin' nervous about me thoughts. I'm thinkin' that bein' hungry's not always about the crisps and chips and mountians o' creamy, sweet trifle." (pp 127-128 The Fattest Woman in Ireland by Patricia Mees Armstrong. (2009). Crane Dance Publications, Eugene, Or.

I read that and was floored. I know all this logically. I used to be a licensed counselor. I have studied psychology and addiction and have been reading books about dieting, eating disorders, and losing weight most of my adult life. And, something like this still hits me in the gut (so to speak).


Ultimate goal: HALF MY SIZE BY Sept 2012
Working goal: to fit back into those size 18 pants by May 1
**NEW** Mini Goal: STAY OFF THE SCALE UNTIL WEIGH-IN DAY!
Mini Goal: take my thyroid meds more regularly!

Food:
-bowl of HN cheerios cereal & milk (275)
-Luna Cookie (130)
-melba rounds & LC cheese wedge (70)
-sandwich (300) -W bread, LC cheese, ham, tomato
-orange (86)
-crackers, LC cheese, tomato (105)
-100 cal popcorn (100)
-RK treat (90)
-Full bites (150)
-big salad with light dressing & almonds (140)
-LC meal (330)
-skinny cow ice cream (150)
-even more crackers, LC cheese, tomato (105)

total diet cokes today: 1.5
Calories:...2031

going to bed before I eat any more!!!!

Daily Calorie Requirements: 2,579

500 calorie deficit: 2079
700 calorie deficit: 1879 (means "goal" ~10 months sooner!)

workout:
Man! My legs were so rubbery today, I was only able to do 6 min on the machine. Oy! I am going to try to do some "power" housework this afternoon & hope for some calories burned!

Water:
about 50-60 oz

Confession of the day: (good for the soul, no?)
see above

Until tomorrow,
Two