How do I feel about me?? I am too tired to tell you!

Haven't had much time to blog lately. Been working WAY too many hours...but it is necessary. Financially, we are tight, to say the least. We are in serious danger of losing our home. So, like most people who own their own business, the more I work, the better the business does. It is tough, while the boys are at summer camp, I am home with the baby (now a toddler) and have no $ for day care. So, I have to get whatever I can done in-between taking care of her. Sometimes I work at night as well, but I am so exhausted by then, I often don't get much done.

Doing OK on food. However, I am getting quite bored of high-protein stuff! So, a lot of times, I just don't eat. Sometimes I exist on sunflower seeds and SF jello pudding cups. Seriously. I have started having oatmeal for breakfast. I LOVE oatmeal, so that has been nice. I haven't noticed too much of a difference in my blood sugar or on the scale, so I guess I can get away with it for a while. Taking a break from the Atkins bars as well. There are only a few I like, and I am also bored with those.

Am happy to eat hamburgers (with fixins) without the bun, with a knife & fork. And, 3 whopper Jrs at Burger King (no bun) is cheaper and sometimes more satisfying that my previous fave: Low-carb $6 burger at Carls Jr.
My confession as of late is that I am finding that I am seriously resentful of people. Especially people who are thin and have that young look in their eyes; their shiny hair. I tell you, middle-age just sucks! Being fat on top of it makes you like a being from another planet. My self-esteem has taken a tremendous hit in the past few years, probably the past 7-10 years, but I am really noticing it lately. And, I am going to have to do something about it! Not sure what, but I need to do something. Walking around hating everyone who is what I am not is NOT the answer!

I really feel the need to do some exercise. Right now, I can only manage floor stuff (like stretches, crunches, etc). My foot has been hurting so badly that I can hardly stand it. I need to go to the Dr (actually, the podiatrist) but just thinking about that, the copay, the time away, getting a sitter, and the like, has turned me off of it. But, I need to get it done. Also, I am kind of afraid of what they will say. My Achilles has been messed up for some time. I know I have achilles tendonitis (already diagnosed), but am also pretty sure I have plantar fasciitis and I am afraid I now may also have heel spurs. I think I have let things go too long and will eventually need surgery. Somewhere, I am in denial about all this and think I will someday run again. Another reason to resent getting old!
OK, so when is my feeling of wisdom and experience outweigh the regret and disappointment I feel for losing my youth? I think that part of the problem is that I can't live the life of an almost 50-year-old women. I have little kids and a baby...that stuff is for YOUNG people! God, I am tired!

weight increase (due to supplement) grrr!

So, I haven't been cheating, I think the weight increase was due to a supplement I was taking (making me retain water) and now that I stopped taking it, I am going back down again. It was a frustrating situation, but hopefully it is now resolving itself.

I am getting lots of exercise lately, just living life: walking a lot with family at events, yard work, cleaning out the garage, etc. We are still joining the YMCA at the end of this month. I really do need to get more fit...and lose more weight, but I am on my way.

The biggest news is that it seems that food is no longer "my life" lately. People used to tell me to think of food as fuel, not as recreation, or a friend, or as whatever...you eat to live, not live to eat. I could never really get into that space. But I feel like I am there now (or at least getting there)! It is a wonderful feeling not to have everything in my life revolve around food. I mean food is just a way to keep my blood sugar level and get me through the day. It is amazing (and a miracle) that *I* would ever truly feel that way! Thank you Dr. Atkins!

BTW, in case you are wondering what I normally eat, here is some info on that:

For snacking, I have found that sunflower seeds are a lifesaver for me! When I can't have things like chips, fries, etc. The sunflower seeds work for me. They *are* salty, and if you have a problem with blood pressure or sodium, maybe not the best for you. But, if you can handle the sodium, they are pretty good for munching. Protein, low carbs.

So, I do get in moods where I want to cook, but most of the time I rebel! So, I do eat some fast food/premade stuff: Carl's Jr has a pretty good plan where you can get all the burgers with lettuce wraps. They are pretty good. I was NOT impressed with the KFC new sandwich with not bun...yuck! I would rather have a bunch of grilled chicken. For breakfast I will often get a couple egg mcmuffins, some sausage, throw out the english muffins and make a sandwich with the canadian bacon on the outside.

I eat a lot of baked chicken (usually grocery stores have this in their deli) as well as steak, smoked salmon (when I can afford them) cheese, cream cheese, eggs, nuts, sausage, some veggies (the ones I like: celery, cucumber, tomatoes, on rare occasion a salad). I eat an avocado most every day. Dreamfield pasta (a *true* serving size) does not seem to spike my blood sugar...I get Hunt's no sugar added sauce and load up with italian sausage! Also, I use American cheese slices (microwaved for about 38 seconds on parchment paper) as "bread" when I am really wanting a sandwich. It works pretty well....bu they are really not that good for you, in general, so I try to limit how often I zap American Cheese; it is pretty well processed.

I was just thinking the other day: what a great diet this low carb thing is...if I can lose weight and not eat all that "rabbit food" all the time, that is great! I used to live on simple carbs, really, I did. I was an addict. I have been low carb for about 5 weeks now and I no longer crave fries, bread, chips, even sugar. I think it is a miracle!

There are ways around a lot of carbs. For instance: today I went to a family gathering and all they had to eat was pizza. I ate all the toppings off & left the crust. Cheese, pepperoni, mushrooms. It worked. I also had brought some low carb yogurt with me and I always carry some nuts and beef jerky in the car (the beef jerky can be tricky...you have to check the carbs on that, and not eat too much). I also eat atkin's bars. Some people don't do well with those (spike Blood Sugar) but I seem to do fine with them. Concerning crackers, the only type I eat are Wasa Crisp Bread (only 2 per day) with some laughing cow cheese and fresh tomatoes on top (mmmmm)

as far as Breakfast: I can tolerate glucerna cereals, but, the serving size (on all cereals) is small. You really do have to pay attention to serving size. I would rather have an atkins bar some days...and maybe an atkins shake as well (though atkins stuff will spike blood sugar on some people). However, I recently bought an egg poacher for the microwave and discovered jimmy dean fully cooked sausages. I am not too big on cooking in the morning, but if I can have a couple eggs and sausage links easily, I will eat those.

On the days I do the best, my calories break down to something like: about 1800 cals, 70% from fat, 20% from protein, and 10% from carbs. That keeps me in ketosis and I will lose weight regularly when I eat this way. I have more energy, I feel better. Sometimes all the meat meat meat gets to me...but when I think about my diet and quality of life before, I just get over it and go on.

OK, that was a rambling post! Sorry...until next time,

Two

Day 20 ~ I Gotta Feelin' (rough day)

My day (Saturday 1/30/10) -
Well, I lost the fight with the scale this morning. Good news is, I am back down to 253. Maybe if I push the water & workouts, I can get down to 250 monday's weigh-in. Which would be cool! 10# is 3 weeks!?

I have been noticing that I eat about the same thing every day. The only changes, really, are the different lean cuisines (or smart ones) I eat. I don't know. Right now it's working for me. But, I am hoping to branch out soon and start cooking some LF/LC meals. At least that is what I keep telling myself. Right now I am just taking a break from full-on cooking for a little while. Especially with that impersonation of Julia Child I did over the holidays!

Later: It has been a really tough day for me. Today was one of the days my husband had to work and I was home with all the kids, all day. I wasn't really hungry, but I wanted to just eat & eat! I just felt this feeling of restlessness & was uncomfortable...only word that describes it. Not sure what that is about. I used to binge a lot on these days. I am not sure what it is about them that gets to me. The kids were not terribly difficult today.

I found a great paragraph last night in a book I am reading that pretty much hits the nail on the head. The book is called The Fattest Woman in Ireland by Patricia Mees Armstrong. If you would like to read more about the history of this book or about its author (it is quite an interesting story!) you can check out this blog or the website for the book. The author just recently passed away from breast cancer. Below is the paragraph. This takes place well into the book, after the woman is hospitalized and being treated for obesity:

"After each big runny feast's stuck in front o' me on that tray table, meself's left to chew on me thoughts. I hadn't really felt much o' anythin' fer years. I guess mebbe fat numbs yeh. Swellin's leavin' me frame, and me eyes and ears is more alert. Sister Monica had told me once at school that I was stuffin' down more than me food; feelin's was gettin' buried in the early grave o' me body, said she. So, I'm watchin' the rain sideways through the window. I'm Irish. Rain's a habit. Me fat's drainin' out o' me like me own personal rain shower. I'm gettin' bleedin' nervous about me thoughts. I'm thinkin' that bein' hungry's not always about the crisps and chips and mountians o' creamy, sweet trifle." (pp 127-128 The Fattest Woman in Ireland by Patricia Mees Armstrong. (2009). Crane Dance Publications, Eugene, Or.

I read that and was floored. I know all this logically. I used to be a licensed counselor. I have studied psychology and addiction and have been reading books about dieting, eating disorders, and losing weight most of my adult life. And, something like this still hits me in the gut (so to speak).


Ultimate goal: HALF MY SIZE BY Sept 2012
Working goal: to fit back into those size 18 pants by May 1
**NEW** Mini Goal: STAY OFF THE SCALE UNTIL WEIGH-IN DAY!
Mini Goal: take my thyroid meds more regularly!

Food:
-bowl of HN cheerios cereal & milk (275)
-Luna Cookie (130)
-melba rounds & LC cheese wedge (70)
-sandwich (300) -W bread, LC cheese, ham, tomato
-orange (86)
-crackers, LC cheese, tomato (105)
-100 cal popcorn (100)
-RK treat (90)
-Full bites (150)
-big salad with light dressing & almonds (140)
-LC meal (330)
-skinny cow ice cream (150)
-even more crackers, LC cheese, tomato (105)

total diet cokes today: 1.5
Calories:...2031

going to bed before I eat any more!!!!

Daily Calorie Requirements: 2,579

500 calorie deficit: 2079
700 calorie deficit: 1879 (means "goal" ~10 months sooner!)

workout:
Man! My legs were so rubbery today, I was only able to do 6 min on the machine. Oy! I am going to try to do some "power" housework this afternoon & hope for some calories burned!

Water:
about 50-60 oz

Confession of the day: (good for the soul, no?)
see above

Until tomorrow,
Two

Day seven...one whole week!

OK, here is my day (Sunday 1/17/10) - Two issues have come up since my last posting that I realize are barriers in losing weight:

1) Insomnia: comes with the fybromyalgia territory. But when I am up like I was last night (until 4:30 am) I end up eating. I didn't really have a full-on binge...mostly things like rice cakes, LF crackers, one pc of candy....I can't remember all of it. I had taken some lunesta (and then some more) so, it is a bit fuzzy. But I do remember thinking: "well, I am going over my cal limit for the day, but it is not too bad to do it with 20 mini rice cakes and some melba toast"

2) Irritability (more aptly: MAJOR bitchiness!). One of the reasons I think that some of us eat too many simple carbs is (DUH!) it makes us feel good! Meaning that maybe we didn't feel so good in the first place. There has been some suggestion that low carb diets lead to depression (see this article for an example). Now, I am NOT on a low carb diet, but cutting my calories means cutting my carb consumption drastically.

However, I have also struggled with depression most of my life; and whenever I diet, it is worse - whether I am on meds or not. Sure, we all get a little grumpy when we can't have what we want. But I am talking about being so irritable that I am afraid I might attack someone who looks at me wrong in the grocery store!

There are ups and downs. But the past few days have been rough. I am on celexa, but have added some 5HTP supplements to my routine. Hopefully, that will help a little. I guess the point is that fat, and weight loss are complex issues. Those of us going through it know it is much more than about will power. Hell, you want to see someone who needs will power? Try running into friends who, the last time they saw you, you weight 100# less than you do now. Takes all my will power to not say "oh, I am sorry, you must be mistaking me for someone else"!



Working goal: to fit back into those size 18 pants by May 1............
Mini Goal: more water!


Food:
-bowl of Life cereal & milk (240)
-snack of crackers, laughing cow cheese, and veggies (195)
-honey wheat berry bread (160)
-ham (70)
-melba rounds (50)
-LC cheese (35)
-big salad w/ light dressing & almonds (abt 150)
-lean cuisine sesame chicken (320)
-rice krispie treat (90)
-fudgescicle (40)
-FF tapioca (80)
-rice cakes (100)
-Coc Krispie cereal and milk (270)


total diet cokes today: 3
Calories:...1800

Your Daily Calorie Requirements Are: 2,579 Calories Per Day

If I eat 500 calories less is than that, it is: 2079...
Which is what I need to try for each day.

workout:
heavy housework

Water:
none

Confession of the day: (good for the soul, no?)
Here's a good one...did not have a great childhood, and food was a huge, dysfunctional issue in my family. When I was tween, I used to have to walk past a grocery store on the way home. A few of us girls would go in there every day and pack our backpacks with candy bars, cookies, and other fattening snacks, and I mean pack them!

We weren't able to pay for these, so part of the thrill was doing something wrong. Then we would meet outside the store and gorge ourselves on the stuff before we went home. I remember that so vividly, and remember that I used to eat SO MUCH of that crap. Probably more than the other girls. I didn't think about my weight. I was NOT fat, but I already thought I was, so I had already given up.



until tomorrow,
Two

The First Post...

OK, so I started this anonymous blog so I could address all these food & weight issues that are so shameful, and maybe be rid of them!

I am 46 years old, I weight 260#, and I am addicted to food. It is my entertainment, it is my therapist, and sometimes my only companion. Diets and me DO NOT mix. I have been on more than I can count. My insurance company has told me they will not cover a gastric bypass, under any circumstances. And, if I had $10,000, I would use it to pay off bills and fix up the house. I could never afford to pay for that on my own.

So, let's see...food is a big problem in my family (both sides). All the women are either terribly overweight or serious compulsive dieters. I always thought I was fat as a kid. Now I look at pictures now & think I was thin as a rail...but I always seemed to wear a larger size than my friends. I ended up with the Italian build that is part of my heritage. So, I always had hips and a but. But, I mostly hated my thighs (still do!). Until my last couple (huge) babies, I did have a flat stomach most of my life. Now it is so big I look pregnant all the time.

I never really liked exercise. I had this exercise induced asthma (which, I guess is a way of saying you are just out of shape), and I could not breathe during aerobic activity, even when I was young and "thin." For a short time in my 30s I really started to get into exercise. I was running and I loved it. I got down to a size 8! But family stressors got in the way of me taking that time for myself to exercise and it just went downhill from there.

There is a post I wrote a few years ago on another blog that might explain a little as to how I got here. It is kind of angry, but that is how I was feeling then:


Fat

Yeah, I'm fat…
You see me and that is what you think, right?

So, how fat am I?
Not really fat on the scale (HA) of fat
About 200 (OK, 210).
A size 18; give or take.
But to most people that is F-A-T, fat!

So, all you see when you see me is my fat face, my fat thighs, my fat ass…
And my lack of self-control
Which is what got me here, right?
Well, maybe that is part of it.
I will admit.
But, there is a lot you don't know about me.

But I don't ever have a chance to tell you how I got here, or make you listen to the story.

I don't get to tell you that I have five kids (no, I am not a "welfare mom").
I can't tell you that the last baby weighed over 11 pounds!
…but you'd probably say that was my fault.
OK.
Do you know that I had 5 abdominal surgeries in the span of 4 years?
Did you know I went through 4 pregnancies in the same period of time?
And two of those were losses?
Do you know that I have suffered from bouts of major depression most of my life?
And did you know that most anti-depressants cause major weight gain?
…something drug companies don't really like to make public.
Did you know that I spend most of my time caring for two very young disabled children?
You live my life and try staying a freaking size 6!

If it makes you feel any better, I used to be thin…
There was a time
In my 20s
That I had bulimia.
I was never "skinny"
Oh, but I was NOT fat!

I hated my body then, so much.
I still do.
But now I have a reason to.

So don't worry
I hate my body a thousand times more than you ever could.

-------------------------

Since I wrote that post I gained 50#. I WISH I could get into those 18s! My pants are 20s or 22s my shirts are at least 3X...4X if they are cotton (e.g., prone to shrinking).

I have a serious Diet Coke addiction. And, it does not help with weight loss. I love white cake, white bread, bagels, rolls, white rice, baked potatoes with sour cream...anything white, starchy, and with lots of carbs! I tried a low-carb diet once for a few weeks. I was miserable and in pain (ketosis was doing a number on my kidneys). The Dr told me to not go on those kind of diets. Thank goodness!

I liked Susan Powter's eating plan, and was on that for a while...but she has changed it quite a bit now. I lost LOTS of weight on the 6 Week Body Makeover Diet...I gained: gallstones, hair loss, and eventually, all the weight back! I have tried Jenny Craig (yuck), Weight Watchers (OY! points!), and a bunch of other fad diets.

OK, that is just a few of the diets. Why do I need to lose weight? Contrary to popular belief about fat people: my blood work is fine. My cholesterol is SO low (LDL is 76) that I think my Dr thinks I have someone else do my blood work. My BP is consistently low (90/60 range), and my glucose has never been elevated other than during my last pregnancy.

However, I have LOTS of health problems aggravated by weight: the biggy is fibromyalgia (sometimes crippling fatigue and pain). I have terrible GERD, stress incontinence (which is oh so fun), hypothyroidism, and insomnia. Lots of joint problems, especially in my knees and ankles. My Achilles are just shot.

I know that these will improve, if not disappear altogether, if I lose weight. I am tired of not being able to keep up with my kids or not having any clothes (or only having the option of buying UGLY clothes!) My husband loves me, a lot, but I don't think he is attracted to me any longer. He is understanding since he has a weight problem of his own, but I know that I would be a better wife, mother, and just a happier person if I were not burdened by this weight.

So this is my "transparent," so-to-speak, place to come clean with all this. I will try my best to write in this blog everyday. Write what I eat, if I got on that damn ellipitcal machine and worked out or not, whether I binged and why. I plan on really posting my feelings and the reality of fat and weight loss, so don't be surprised by it. Also, I curse. Just a warning. If you are really offended by it, I will warn you right now, I will curse some.

Hopefully, someone will join me in this journey, if not...this is just an online journal, I guess.