OK, enough of that!

I can't believe how much I am feeling sorry for myself, I started to take a nap after that last post. I was lying there, thinking about all I had to get done today, about all I have accomplished, and about all I have (counting blessings type of thing) and realized I am *so* feeling sorry for myself!

Instead of napping (something I do NOT need to do!), I hit the on-demand beginning yoga program I have been working on and got a little farther in the program today. Still can't finish it and it is very hard to make my rolly-poly body get into those poses, but I went further than I did earlier this week. Now, I am typing this and drinking a glass of water. Yay for me! :D

Thus far, this is my favorite pose. I can feel the vertebrae in my spine popping & relaxing when I do this pose (forward fold):



So, enough blogging today...got lots of stuff to do. The baby won't stay asleep for much longer!

Best,
Two

Stall!

Well, my weight loss has stalled in the past 4 or 5 days. I seem to be eating fine. I am having a lot of stress, and probably having more diet sodas than I should (that seems to slow down WL in some). So, I need to curb that a bit. I just go through periods where, if I drink one more glass of water, I shall just puke! I love vitamin water, but even the "zero" stuff has a total of 8-10 carbs a bottle! Guess I should pull out some of that Crystal Light! I am really going to try to get below 250 before the end of July.

Getting the money together to join the Y. I can't wait, but the money is just not there right now for the yearly fee. I am looking forward to it and working hard every day (at my home business) and hope to see some $$$ coming in soon. The economy has just tanked our sales for the last 9 mos or so. We have really struggled financially. "Dieting" is not cheap!

The good news is that I have not had a bowl of cereal (other than the occasional Glucerna) in a MONTH! That is so HUGE for me. It is one of my binges and compulsive eating behaviors. I haven't had white flour in quite a while too. No candy (other than a couple pieces of sugar free once in a while). It is like everything has changed. I guess having a sister with serious diabetes complications while I was growing up made my diagnosis all the more serious. Too bad I could not have mustered this attitude before the diagnosis, but, it takes what it takes I guess.

well...this is a vent and a half!

Disclaimer:
In case you haven't read my "about me" or my first few blog posts, this is a warning. I swear. If the "F-bomb" of the "S-bomb" or whatever bomb offends you, you probably should not read this. It is raw, real life :/

OK, for a while I let the accident get me down. I was injured pretty badly and in a lot of pain. I got mixed message from practitioners: don't lift/go back to normal; don't exercise/"oh, yes, by all means exercise," etc etc. So, being a person who would rather get dental work done (which I HATE) than exercise, I chose to not.

However, lately I have been feeling pretty good. Have energy. My back is doing great (I LOVE my chiropractor!) and I have been doing tons of yard work and gardening. We are setting up our yard (which has been neglected for years) and putting in our vegetable garden, something I haven't been able to get together for about 5 years or so.

HOWEVER, I have not lost any weight! Regardless of the level of exercise, giving up diet cokes totally for 8 weeks now (thank you very much), drinking TONS of water, getting enough sleep, etc etc. Still F-A-T!

My daughter got married last week. I didn't *feel* like the fattest person in the room. I guess I am in denial of my own size. But I was the HUGEST by a longshot! I looked like a C-O-W compared to everyone else of even "normal" size. My daughter is very thin, so I looked even bigger next to her.

My boobs are freaking huge! I finally got new bras that fit and support, but they are 42DDD! Holy shit! My shirts are still 3x-4x. Even where I live, where there are lots of fat people, I am F-A-T! Fatter than most.

Now, I know that there are people who are 400, 500, even 600 pounds. But hell, 265 (which is what I am now) is considered just fucking fat by most people!

And, losing weight? dieting? working out? Well, IT JUST SUCKS!!! I HATE IT! hate it, hate it, hate it! And, now I am MAD. I used to diet and work out so I looked *good*...sexy, pretty, hot, etc. Now, I am old with skin stretched out and blood vessels broken. I now need to diet & work out so I am not the biggest FREAK in the room. That is just not good motivation! I will never be hot and sexy again without at least 100K in plastic surgery and skin treatments (and even then? who knows?).

So, I am pissed that I have to do this...but I have to. Even if I kick and scream the whole way.

So, I guess I am back...if I even have any followers any more. It doesn't matter either way. I am doing it for me. For what's left of "me."

Two

Slow loss but still losing....

So, since the accident, I have not been able to workout. And, apparently, I can only handle one thing at a time, because with all the running around to doctors, etc, I have not done one food log. I am trying to keep eating similar to before, but know I am not staying under 1800 calories. However, in the last two weeks I did lose a pound. That is pretty good for not working out (and not drinking water like I should).

Of course the baby has picked this time to start standing and crawling....but it is adorable! :) The kids are all keeping me busy. I am trying not to lift or overdo things - which is pretty hard with the life I have been living. Just because I am injured in the accident doesn't mean all these things don't need to get done! Totally slacked off on housework (something I couldn't afford to do with the shape of the house before!). Also, due to the drowsiness from pain meds, I have slept or laid down when tired rather than continuing to go go go. And, I have found I eat less when I do that. I know that I eat when I am tired & run-down. Quick energy foods (carbs, sugar, etc). But, if I just rest (like my body is telling me to) then I don't eat as much....though that is often easier said than done!

My car is STILL not fixed. Dealing with insurance companies, attorneys, and all sorts of crap. I am starting to get over the resentment of the accident and getting to a place of acceptance. I am in pain less with treatment, but still in pain. Have a great chiropractor and massage therapist. My husband has been great & does all he can, but he also works about 60 hours a week and isn't home a lot (though he did take a week off work right afterward to help me and drive me around).

So, I need to start posting here more, again. I got my laptop back online and have it set up in the living room....so I have no excuse now!!

Best,
Two

Day 22- stress eating & preparing for the week to come

My day (Monday 2/1/10) -
Have a very stressful week coming up. I am trying to steel myself for it. Today is a no-school day for our district, so I have all the kids home again. Tomorrow, I have lots of errands to run & it is my only day to do it. Then, Wednesday my son goes up to Shriners Hospital to see if he needs to schedule surgery again (will be his seventh, he is 6 years old). Then, on Thursday, my husband has surgery. It is a pretty minor thing but because they have to cut through a large muscle to get where they are going, he has to go to the hospital to do it. He will then be off for the rest of the week & the following week. ugh

Friday is traveling again, as usual, down south for a visit. Tonight is a visit too but here in town. My granddaughter is in our care as a foster child as my oldest daughter (20) is very mentally ill. I am getting nervous as the date for the permanency hearing is fast approaching. I am so unsure of what the state will do with our granddaughter (give her to her mother - they removed her at birth, so she has never really"had" her to raise yet) or leave her with us so that we may adopt her (we have had her since she was a week old, she is now almost 8 mos). Another reason I am trying to lose some serious weight so I don't look like an elephant in a suit next time we go to court.

My teenage daughter is getting ready to finish her GED next week, start work, and go to community college (she is 16, but skipping high school...I can't really explain why, because I don't know, but she is being responsible about it). So, this week she is out looking for jobs. I hope it isn't as bad out there as I hear!

So, for a stress-eater like me, this is a serious test of my eating plan!!! Lots of being out of my comfort zone (and it is funny that Tyler wrote about this just today in his blog), away from home, traveling, health issues with family members, etc etc etc. I am going to have to redouble my efforts to stay on track this week.

Ultimate goal: HALF MY SIZE BY Sept 2012
Working goal: to fit back into those size 18 pants by May 1
**NEW** Mini Goal: STAY OFF THE SCALE UNTIL WEIGH-IN DAY!
Mini Goal: take my thyroid meds more regularly!

Food:
-bowl of HN cheerios cereal & milk (275)
-Luna "Cookie" (130)
-sandwich (300) -W bread, LC cheese, ham, tomato
-FF tapioca pudding (80)
-RK treat (90)
-crackers, LC cheese, tomato (210)
-orange (86)
-Full bites (150)
-big salad with light dressing & almonds (180)
-LC meal (220)
-skinny cow ice cream (150)

total diet cokes today: 2
Calories:...1871

Daily Calorie Requirements: 2,579

500 calorie deficit: 2079
700 calorie deficit: 1879 (means "goal" ~10 months sooner!)

workout:
Well, I think I have recovered from my "work outs" this last week. It is funny, there is this post exertion fatigue (and pain!) with fibromyalgia that is kind of a self-perpetuating cycle. You don't do too much because you feel exhausted for days after, but you don't do much, so you are tired & out of shape. It is a tough cycle to break out of. You have to know just how much you can do without pushing yourself too far. I certainly cannot work out like a lot of people I read about...what is this SHRED stuff anyway??! That would put me down for a month!

However, now that I am feeling better, I have gotten a lot of work done that has been neglected in the past several days. Lots of cleaning, paperwork, work-work, etc. I know I must have burned SOME calories with that. And, I guess burning calories getting something constructive done is better than just cruisin' on the elliptic machine. I think that I will try to go for more walks. That does not tire me out as much.

Water:
50 oz

Confession of the day: (good for the soul, no?)
When I got up this morning at 4:30 with the baby, I think I ended up eating a rice krispie treat (that is not logged with yesterdays food). I dont really remember too well. But I know I ate something. But, so far, no bowls of kiddie cereal in the middle of the night for weeks now. That is amazing!

Until tomorrow,
Two