How do I feel about me?? I am too tired to tell you!

Haven't had much time to blog lately. Been working WAY too many hours...but it is necessary. Financially, we are tight, to say the least. We are in serious danger of losing our home. So, like most people who own their own business, the more I work, the better the business does. It is tough, while the boys are at summer camp, I am home with the baby (now a toddler) and have no $ for day care. So, I have to get whatever I can done in-between taking care of her. Sometimes I work at night as well, but I am so exhausted by then, I often don't get much done.

Doing OK on food. However, I am getting quite bored of high-protein stuff! So, a lot of times, I just don't eat. Sometimes I exist on sunflower seeds and SF jello pudding cups. Seriously. I have started having oatmeal for breakfast. I LOVE oatmeal, so that has been nice. I haven't noticed too much of a difference in my blood sugar or on the scale, so I guess I can get away with it for a while. Taking a break from the Atkins bars as well. There are only a few I like, and I am also bored with those.

Am happy to eat hamburgers (with fixins) without the bun, with a knife & fork. And, 3 whopper Jrs at Burger King (no bun) is cheaper and sometimes more satisfying that my previous fave: Low-carb $6 burger at Carls Jr.
My confession as of late is that I am finding that I am seriously resentful of people. Especially people who are thin and have that young look in their eyes; their shiny hair. I tell you, middle-age just sucks! Being fat on top of it makes you like a being from another planet. My self-esteem has taken a tremendous hit in the past few years, probably the past 7-10 years, but I am really noticing it lately. And, I am going to have to do something about it! Not sure what, but I need to do something. Walking around hating everyone who is what I am not is NOT the answer!

I really feel the need to do some exercise. Right now, I can only manage floor stuff (like stretches, crunches, etc). My foot has been hurting so badly that I can hardly stand it. I need to go to the Dr (actually, the podiatrist) but just thinking about that, the copay, the time away, getting a sitter, and the like, has turned me off of it. But, I need to get it done. Also, I am kind of afraid of what they will say. My Achilles has been messed up for some time. I know I have achilles tendonitis (already diagnosed), but am also pretty sure I have plantar fasciitis and I am afraid I now may also have heel spurs. I think I have let things go too long and will eventually need surgery. Somewhere, I am in denial about all this and think I will someday run again. Another reason to resent getting old!
OK, so when is my feeling of wisdom and experience outweigh the regret and disappointment I feel for losing my youth? I think that part of the problem is that I can't live the life of an almost 50-year-old women. I have little kids and a baby...that stuff is for YOUNG people! God, I am tired!

kind of mad today

Ok, I am kind of pissed today. First off, I had a follow up exam with the chiropractor and I have to go for at least 6 more weeks. Ugh!

Second, I have lost now, a total of 24# in one month. Do you think that ANYONE has said to me "wow, you have lost weight" - Nope, not a one! Not even my husband. Sad, mad, hurt!

I am so damn fat that 24# is just a drop in the big, huge, bucket that is me! :(

I just feel so depressed today. Someone say something to make me feel better :)

well...this is a vent and a half!

Disclaimer:
In case you haven't read my "about me" or my first few blog posts, this is a warning. I swear. If the "F-bomb" of the "S-bomb" or whatever bomb offends you, you probably should not read this. It is raw, real life :/

OK, for a while I let the accident get me down. I was injured pretty badly and in a lot of pain. I got mixed message from practitioners: don't lift/go back to normal; don't exercise/"oh, yes, by all means exercise," etc etc. So, being a person who would rather get dental work done (which I HATE) than exercise, I chose to not.

However, lately I have been feeling pretty good. Have energy. My back is doing great (I LOVE my chiropractor!) and I have been doing tons of yard work and gardening. We are setting up our yard (which has been neglected for years) and putting in our vegetable garden, something I haven't been able to get together for about 5 years or so.

HOWEVER, I have not lost any weight! Regardless of the level of exercise, giving up diet cokes totally for 8 weeks now (thank you very much), drinking TONS of water, getting enough sleep, etc etc. Still F-A-T!

My daughter got married last week. I didn't *feel* like the fattest person in the room. I guess I am in denial of my own size. But I was the HUGEST by a longshot! I looked like a C-O-W compared to everyone else of even "normal" size. My daughter is very thin, so I looked even bigger next to her.

My boobs are freaking huge! I finally got new bras that fit and support, but they are 42DDD! Holy shit! My shirts are still 3x-4x. Even where I live, where there are lots of fat people, I am F-A-T! Fatter than most.

Now, I know that there are people who are 400, 500, even 600 pounds. But hell, 265 (which is what I am now) is considered just fucking fat by most people!

And, losing weight? dieting? working out? Well, IT JUST SUCKS!!! I HATE IT! hate it, hate it, hate it! And, now I am MAD. I used to diet and work out so I looked *good*...sexy, pretty, hot, etc. Now, I am old with skin stretched out and blood vessels broken. I now need to diet & work out so I am not the biggest FREAK in the room. That is just not good motivation! I will never be hot and sexy again without at least 100K in plastic surgery and skin treatments (and even then? who knows?).

So, I am pissed that I have to do this...but I have to. Even if I kick and scream the whole way.

So, I guess I am back...if I even have any followers any more. It doesn't matter either way. I am doing it for me. For what's left of "me."

Two

Day 20 ~ I Gotta Feelin' (rough day)

My day (Saturday 1/30/10) -
Well, I lost the fight with the scale this morning. Good news is, I am back down to 253. Maybe if I push the water & workouts, I can get down to 250 monday's weigh-in. Which would be cool! 10# is 3 weeks!?

I have been noticing that I eat about the same thing every day. The only changes, really, are the different lean cuisines (or smart ones) I eat. I don't know. Right now it's working for me. But, I am hoping to branch out soon and start cooking some LF/LC meals. At least that is what I keep telling myself. Right now I am just taking a break from full-on cooking for a little while. Especially with that impersonation of Julia Child I did over the holidays!

Later: It has been a really tough day for me. Today was one of the days my husband had to work and I was home with all the kids, all day. I wasn't really hungry, but I wanted to just eat & eat! I just felt this feeling of restlessness & was uncomfortable...only word that describes it. Not sure what that is about. I used to binge a lot on these days. I am not sure what it is about them that gets to me. The kids were not terribly difficult today.

I found a great paragraph last night in a book I am reading that pretty much hits the nail on the head. The book is called The Fattest Woman in Ireland by Patricia Mees Armstrong. If you would like to read more about the history of this book or about its author (it is quite an interesting story!) you can check out this blog or the website for the book. The author just recently passed away from breast cancer. Below is the paragraph. This takes place well into the book, after the woman is hospitalized and being treated for obesity:

"After each big runny feast's stuck in front o' me on that tray table, meself's left to chew on me thoughts. I hadn't really felt much o' anythin' fer years. I guess mebbe fat numbs yeh. Swellin's leavin' me frame, and me eyes and ears is more alert. Sister Monica had told me once at school that I was stuffin' down more than me food; feelin's was gettin' buried in the early grave o' me body, said she. So, I'm watchin' the rain sideways through the window. I'm Irish. Rain's a habit. Me fat's drainin' out o' me like me own personal rain shower. I'm gettin' bleedin' nervous about me thoughts. I'm thinkin' that bein' hungry's not always about the crisps and chips and mountians o' creamy, sweet trifle." (pp 127-128 The Fattest Woman in Ireland by Patricia Mees Armstrong. (2009). Crane Dance Publications, Eugene, Or.

I read that and was floored. I know all this logically. I used to be a licensed counselor. I have studied psychology and addiction and have been reading books about dieting, eating disorders, and losing weight most of my adult life. And, something like this still hits me in the gut (so to speak).


Ultimate goal: HALF MY SIZE BY Sept 2012
Working goal: to fit back into those size 18 pants by May 1
**NEW** Mini Goal: STAY OFF THE SCALE UNTIL WEIGH-IN DAY!
Mini Goal: take my thyroid meds more regularly!

Food:
-bowl of HN cheerios cereal & milk (275)
-Luna Cookie (130)
-melba rounds & LC cheese wedge (70)
-sandwich (300) -W bread, LC cheese, ham, tomato
-orange (86)
-crackers, LC cheese, tomato (105)
-100 cal popcorn (100)
-RK treat (90)
-Full bites (150)
-big salad with light dressing & almonds (140)
-LC meal (330)
-skinny cow ice cream (150)
-even more crackers, LC cheese, tomato (105)

total diet cokes today: 1.5
Calories:...2031

going to bed before I eat any more!!!!

Daily Calorie Requirements: 2,579

500 calorie deficit: 2079
700 calorie deficit: 1879 (means "goal" ~10 months sooner!)

workout:
Man! My legs were so rubbery today, I was only able to do 6 min on the machine. Oy! I am going to try to do some "power" housework this afternoon & hope for some calories burned!

Water:
about 50-60 oz

Confession of the day: (good for the soul, no?)
see above

Until tomorrow,
Two

day 18 - Staying OFF the scale!

My day (Thursday 1/28/10) -
Very hungry today. Not sure why. I am also disappointed! I made the mistake of jumping on the scale this morning (NOT my weigh-in day) and my weight was back up to 255.5! (It was 253 on monday). I have not cheated once! I have been under my cal limit all week, working out, and even started drinking my water a couple days ago. I was MAD! That'll show me! Stay off the damn scale. So, my new mini goal is to avoid the scale until my weigh-in day.

By the way, if you want to see a good review of a new diet book: Cook Yourself Thin Faster, check out Pudget's blog!

Ultimate goal: HALF MY SIZE BY Sept 2012
Working goal: to fit back into those size 18 pants by May 1
**NEW** Mini Goal: STAY OFF THE SCALE UNTIL WEIGH-IN DAY!
Mini Goal: take my thyroid meds more regularly!

Food:
-bowl of HN cheerios cereal & milk (275)
-Quaker oats bkfst bar (175)
-crackers, LC cheese, tomato (100)
-KFC grill chx meal, partial (450)
-FF tapioca pudding (80)
-Full bites (150)
-big salad with light dressing & almonds (180)
-LC meal (210)
-skinny cow ice cream (150)

total diet cokes today: 2
Calories:...1770

Daily Calorie Requirements: 2,579

500 calorie deficit: 2079
700 calorie deficit: 1879 (means "goal" ~10 months sooner!)

workout:
my knees are WAY too sore from yesterday's workout. ugh. And, I have to travel tomorrow morning, didn't want to push myself into a flare. So, no workout today.

Water:
slower today that I should be...so far about 40 oz. trying to pick it up!

Confession of the day: (good for the soul, no?)
The scale is my nemesis! I have been known to weigh myself obsessively. But it's bad because I see progress as too slow & get discouraged. It is also a way I beat myself up. So, I am going to try really hard to stay off the scale!

Until tomorrow,
Two

day fifteen & "before" pictures

My day (Monday 1/25/10) -So, last night was pretty hard. The baby would not sleep and was up & down until 3:30 am. I ended up eating (in addition to yesterday's food already posted" about 250 more cals. Not bad, considering, but I was doing so well yesterday. Well, hopefully this won't be an every night occurrence, but you never know with babies. She has become such a light sleeper! But, other than that, today has not been too bad so far. I am tired. I am not getting much done around the house. But, I worked out & ate like I needed. So, pretty good.


Ultimate goal: HALF MY SIZE BY Sept 2012
Working goal: to fit back into those size 18 pants by May 1
Mini Goal: more water!
Mini Goal: take my thyroid meds more regularly!

Food:
-bowl of HN cheerios cereal & milk (275)
-Quaker oats bkfst bar (175)
-smart ones meal (250)
-crackers, LC cheese, tomato (100)
-FF tapico pudding (80)
-Luna Cookie (140)
-full bites (150)
-big salad with light dressing & almonds (200)
-LC meal (320)
-skinny cow ice cream sandwich (150)

total diet cokes today: 3
Calories:...1840 (spot on!)

Your Daily Calorie Requirements Are: 2,579 Calories Per Day

500 calorie deficit: 2079
700 calorie deficit: 1879 (means "goal" ~10 months sooner!)

workout:
18 minutes on elliptical (finally got a good workout playlist. Will post tomorrow if anyone is interested)

Water:
working on that...probably 20 oz today

Confession of the day: (good for the soul, no?)
Ok, here are the pictures of my hugeness! OMG! This is why I didn't want to take them. It is HARD to post these! This is after 2 weeks & a loss of 7 pounds. I know I am actually smaller than I was 2 weeks ago, since my pants are fitting looser.

I have to add one explanation, however...that gut? While, yes, it is F-A-T, it is also stretched WAY out my 5 VERY LARGE babies over the past 20+ years. The last being over 11#. Not to mention the C-section, hysterectomy, and other abdominal surgeries I have had don't help with muscle tone! So, not sure how much of the flat stomach I used to have I can reclaim without the help of some very expensive surgery!

It is really tough to post these picks and makes me feel like all is hopeless. I worry about losing weight & still having all this skin! I guess I cross that bridge when I come to it. Save up for surgery, or try to get my insurance to pay for part (because it causes medical problems....but that's TMI!).

and, no, I am not leaning forward in this pic ---> ...that IS my butt!

day eleven - Ricki Lake article (260 to 130!)

OK, here is my day (Thursday 1/21/10) - I am glad payday isn't until tomorrow, so I wont be going to the grocery store until tomorrow...because I feel a binge right below the surface. I have nothing at home that is really turning me on about binging on it. But, if I go to the store in this state, who knows what I will buy.

I am having some frustrations with the baby. She is seven months now & starting to be very stubborn about naps & eating & going to bed at night. We are having a sort of "battle of the wills." That is stressing me out because I am just too old for it. And, It is hard, sometimes, to be the grandma (and wanting to spoil her like crazy) and at the same time the "mom" (who has to make sure she isn't too spoiled).

LATER: Tonight was BAD. I wouldn't say I "binged" per se, but I did have a snack fest. I probably went up to my daily calorie requirement, if not a little more. But, instead of beating myself up for not writing it all down, I am posting this as is and working on a "clean slate" theory.

Ultimate goal: HALF MY SIZE BY Sept 2012
Working goal: to fit back into those size 18 pants by May 1
Mini Goal: more water!


Food:
start again tomorrow!
See above

total diet cokes today: 3
Calories:...

Your Daily Calorie Requirements Are: 2,579 Calories Per Day

If I eat 500 calories less is than that, it is: 2079...
Which is what I need to try for each day.

workout:
LOTS of pain today. No workout.

Water:


Confession of the day: (good for the soul, no?)
Again, maybe not a confession, but....I really really loathe my body right now. I feel like a big, fat, pig! Nothing I wear looks good. I look like a "fat lady." My body jiggles when I walk (and NOT in a good way). Everything feels confining. I feel trapped.

Ricki Lake – Half My Size
Ricki Lake used to weight 260 pounds. She conquered her weight issues and went from a size 24 to a size 2.
http://www.bittenandbound.com/2007/12/06/ricki-lake-half-my-size/
http://ifitandhealthy.com/ricki-lake-weight-loss-and-workout/






until tomorrow,
Two