Day 20 ~ I Gotta Feelin' (rough day)

My day (Saturday 1/30/10) -
Well, I lost the fight with the scale this morning. Good news is, I am back down to 253. Maybe if I push the water & workouts, I can get down to 250 monday's weigh-in. Which would be cool! 10# is 3 weeks!?

I have been noticing that I eat about the same thing every day. The only changes, really, are the different lean cuisines (or smart ones) I eat. I don't know. Right now it's working for me. But, I am hoping to branch out soon and start cooking some LF/LC meals. At least that is what I keep telling myself. Right now I am just taking a break from full-on cooking for a little while. Especially with that impersonation of Julia Child I did over the holidays!

Later: It has been a really tough day for me. Today was one of the days my husband had to work and I was home with all the kids, all day. I wasn't really hungry, but I wanted to just eat & eat! I just felt this feeling of restlessness & was uncomfortable...only word that describes it. Not sure what that is about. I used to binge a lot on these days. I am not sure what it is about them that gets to me. The kids were not terribly difficult today.

I found a great paragraph last night in a book I am reading that pretty much hits the nail on the head. The book is called The Fattest Woman in Ireland by Patricia Mees Armstrong. If you would like to read more about the history of this book or about its author (it is quite an interesting story!) you can check out this blog or the website for the book. The author just recently passed away from breast cancer. Below is the paragraph. This takes place well into the book, after the woman is hospitalized and being treated for obesity:

"After each big runny feast's stuck in front o' me on that tray table, meself's left to chew on me thoughts. I hadn't really felt much o' anythin' fer years. I guess mebbe fat numbs yeh. Swellin's leavin' me frame, and me eyes and ears is more alert. Sister Monica had told me once at school that I was stuffin' down more than me food; feelin's was gettin' buried in the early grave o' me body, said she. So, I'm watchin' the rain sideways through the window. I'm Irish. Rain's a habit. Me fat's drainin' out o' me like me own personal rain shower. I'm gettin' bleedin' nervous about me thoughts. I'm thinkin' that bein' hungry's not always about the crisps and chips and mountians o' creamy, sweet trifle." (pp 127-128 The Fattest Woman in Ireland by Patricia Mees Armstrong. (2009). Crane Dance Publications, Eugene, Or.

I read that and was floored. I know all this logically. I used to be a licensed counselor. I have studied psychology and addiction and have been reading books about dieting, eating disorders, and losing weight most of my adult life. And, something like this still hits me in the gut (so to speak).


Ultimate goal: HALF MY SIZE BY Sept 2012
Working goal: to fit back into those size 18 pants by May 1
**NEW** Mini Goal: STAY OFF THE SCALE UNTIL WEIGH-IN DAY!
Mini Goal: take my thyroid meds more regularly!

Food:
-bowl of HN cheerios cereal & milk (275)
-Luna Cookie (130)
-melba rounds & LC cheese wedge (70)
-sandwich (300) -W bread, LC cheese, ham, tomato
-orange (86)
-crackers, LC cheese, tomato (105)
-100 cal popcorn (100)
-RK treat (90)
-Full bites (150)
-big salad with light dressing & almonds (140)
-LC meal (330)
-skinny cow ice cream (150)
-even more crackers, LC cheese, tomato (105)

total diet cokes today: 1.5
Calories:...2031

going to bed before I eat any more!!!!

Daily Calorie Requirements: 2,579

500 calorie deficit: 2079
700 calorie deficit: 1879 (means "goal" ~10 months sooner!)

workout:
Man! My legs were so rubbery today, I was only able to do 6 min on the machine. Oy! I am going to try to do some "power" housework this afternoon & hope for some calories burned!

Water:
about 50-60 oz

Confession of the day: (good for the soul, no?)
see above

Until tomorrow,
Two

Day 19 - The Pants FIT!!! Yay! & Goals (short & long term)

My day (Friday 1/29/10) -
It has been an OK day. Kind of busy & stressful. But, my husband came home from work early today, so that helped. I even got a nap this afternoon!

Today I wore a pair of pants that a couple weeks ago would have smothered me all day. But they fit perfect! My clothes are definitely starting to get looser! I need it too because I was really out of control over the holidays and barely had anything that fit before. After the holidays I really didn't have ANYTHING to wear except a couple pairs of sweats and one pair of HUGE jeans. Even my T-shirts didn't fit any longer. So, I was happy about that today! Makes me want to work even harder for the goal of getting back into the 10 or 12 pairs of size 18 jeans I have!

So, I am really trying to look toward my goals (short term as well as long term). Every time I go into the bathroom - which is a lot with all this water - I tell myself: "stay off the scale!" So far, so good. Here is a great article on The Importance of Setting Medium-Term Goals from the SparkPeople. It is important for me...because if I just look at that big, end goal, it becomes too overwhelming and far away to stay motivated.


Ultimate goal: HALF MY SIZE BY Sept 2012
Working goal: to fit back into those size 18 pants by May 1
**NEW** Mini Goal: STAY OFF THE SCALE UNTIL WEIGH-IN DAY!
Mini Goal: take my thyroid meds more regularly!

Food:
-bowl of HN cheerios cereal & milk (275)
-nutrigrain bar (135)
-KFC grill chx meal, partial (480 est)
-crackers, LC cheese, tomato (100)
-nutrigrain bar (135)
-RK treat (90)
-Full bites (150)
-big salad with light dressing & almonds (140)
-LC meal (220)
-skinny cow ice cream (150)

total diet cokes today: 2
Calories:...1875

Daily Calorie Requirements: 2,579

500 calorie deficit: 2079
700 calorie deficit: 1879 (means "goal" ~10 months sooner!)

workout:
traveling all day. No w/o

Water:
50 oz

Confession of the day: (good for the soul, no?)
Since I have to travel once a week to another town down south, I often do shopping there I cannot do at home. For instance, we have no Trader Joes in my town!!! So, I sometimes stop there & stock up on stuff. I did not today, fortunately. At Trader Joes they have one of my favorite binge foods. They have these almond chocolate cluster things that are just HEAVEN! I will often buy two boxes and eat one whole one on the way home! Then eat the other partially that night and the rest the next morning. Bad, bad, bad! I decided to do other shopping and maybe not go to Trader Joes until I am on my new eating plan for a while! :-)

Until tomorrow,
Two

day twelve - A New Discovery: Full Bars

OK, here is my day (Friday 1/22/10) - OK, starting with a clean slate today. Yesterday got progressively worse. But, instead of it being an excuse to just say "screw it!" I am just letting it go & heading into today.

So, tried something new today: Both my husband and I had a full bar before dinner. Both of us have a hard time with nighttime eating. And, I have to say, it worked pretty good. I ate dinner 3 hours ago and I still feel very full! My husband didn't even finish his dinner (which is a miracle!). I was skeptical, but they work pretty good. Now that I can buy then at the store (for about $1.50 rather than from an infomercial) I think I might try them out.



Ultimate goal: HALF MY SIZE BY Sept 2012
Working goal: to fit back into those size 18 pants by May 1
Mini Goal: more water!


Food:
-bowl of cereal & milk (275)
-bagel (plain) (300) - those darn bagels! grrrr
-lots o' chicken (baked) 1 thigh & 3 wings (553)
-RK treat (180)
-bar (100)
-full bar (100)
-Chicken (baked) (153)
-big salad w/ light dressing (180)
-brussel sprouts (100)
-lg orange (86)

total diet cokes today: 2
Calories:...2027
Damn good day, I say!

Your Daily Calorie Requirements Are: 2,579 Calories Per Day

If I eat 500 calories less is than that, it is: 2079...
Which is what I need to try for each day.

workout:
None. fought off a migraine after the drive today. But will work out tomorrow for sure.

Water:
12 oz (working on it!) I am going to drink more right now! :)

Confession of the day: (good for the soul, no?)
Hmmmm....what to write today? I guess I can talk about sweet/salty binges. One of the cravings I have is for sweets. But after a while, it gets to much. But if I eat something salty, I can then go back to eating sweets. I seem to need to continue to eat them even after my body is telling me: "blech! Enough sweets already!" - Some how the salty/savory foods enable me to eat even more sweets.


until tomorrow,
Two

Day seven...one whole week!

OK, here is my day (Sunday 1/17/10) - Two issues have come up since my last posting that I realize are barriers in losing weight:

1) Insomnia: comes with the fybromyalgia territory. But when I am up like I was last night (until 4:30 am) I end up eating. I didn't really have a full-on binge...mostly things like rice cakes, LF crackers, one pc of candy....I can't remember all of it. I had taken some lunesta (and then some more) so, it is a bit fuzzy. But I do remember thinking: "well, I am going over my cal limit for the day, but it is not too bad to do it with 20 mini rice cakes and some melba toast"

2) Irritability (more aptly: MAJOR bitchiness!). One of the reasons I think that some of us eat too many simple carbs is (DUH!) it makes us feel good! Meaning that maybe we didn't feel so good in the first place. There has been some suggestion that low carb diets lead to depression (see this article for an example). Now, I am NOT on a low carb diet, but cutting my calories means cutting my carb consumption drastically.

However, I have also struggled with depression most of my life; and whenever I diet, it is worse - whether I am on meds or not. Sure, we all get a little grumpy when we can't have what we want. But I am talking about being so irritable that I am afraid I might attack someone who looks at me wrong in the grocery store!

There are ups and downs. But the past few days have been rough. I am on celexa, but have added some 5HTP supplements to my routine. Hopefully, that will help a little. I guess the point is that fat, and weight loss are complex issues. Those of us going through it know it is much more than about will power. Hell, you want to see someone who needs will power? Try running into friends who, the last time they saw you, you weight 100# less than you do now. Takes all my will power to not say "oh, I am sorry, you must be mistaking me for someone else"!



Working goal: to fit back into those size 18 pants by May 1............
Mini Goal: more water!


Food:
-bowl of Life cereal & milk (240)
-snack of crackers, laughing cow cheese, and veggies (195)
-honey wheat berry bread (160)
-ham (70)
-melba rounds (50)
-LC cheese (35)
-big salad w/ light dressing & almonds (abt 150)
-lean cuisine sesame chicken (320)
-rice krispie treat (90)
-fudgescicle (40)
-FF tapioca (80)
-rice cakes (100)
-Coc Krispie cereal and milk (270)


total diet cokes today: 3
Calories:...1800

Your Daily Calorie Requirements Are: 2,579 Calories Per Day

If I eat 500 calories less is than that, it is: 2079...
Which is what I need to try for each day.

workout:
heavy housework

Water:
none

Confession of the day: (good for the soul, no?)
Here's a good one...did not have a great childhood, and food was a huge, dysfunctional issue in my family. When I was tween, I used to have to walk past a grocery store on the way home. A few of us girls would go in there every day and pack our backpacks with candy bars, cookies, and other fattening snacks, and I mean pack them!

We weren't able to pay for these, so part of the thrill was doing something wrong. Then we would meet outside the store and gorge ourselves on the stuff before we went home. I remember that so vividly, and remember that I used to eat SO MUCH of that crap. Probably more than the other girls. I didn't think about my weight. I was NOT fat, but I already thought I was, so I had already given up.



until tomorrow,
Two