Monday, August 2, 2010

How do I feel about me?? I am too tired to tell you!

Haven't had much time to blog lately. Been working WAY too many hours...but it is necessary. Financially, we are tight, to say the least. We are in serious danger of losing our home. So, like most people who own their own business, the more I work, the better the business does. It is tough, while the boys are at summer camp, I am home with the baby (now a toddler) and have no $ for day care. So, I have to get whatever I can done in-between taking care of her. Sometimes I work at night as well, but I am so exhausted by then, I often don't get much done.

Doing OK on food. However, I am getting quite bored of high-protein stuff! So, a lot of times, I just don't eat. Sometimes I exist on sunflower seeds and SF jello pudding cups. Seriously. I have started having oatmeal for breakfast. I LOVE oatmeal, so that has been nice. I haven't noticed too much of a difference in my blood sugar or on the scale, so I guess I can get away with it for a while. Taking a break from the Atkins bars as well. There are only a few I like, and I am also bored with those.

Am happy to eat hamburgers (with fixins) without the bun, with a knife & fork. And, 3 whopper Jrs at Burger King (no bun) is cheaper and sometimes more satisfying that my previous fave: Low-carb $6 burger at Carls Jr.
My confession as of late is that I am finding that I am seriously resentful of people. Especially people who are thin and have that young look in their eyes; their shiny hair. I tell you, middle-age just sucks! Being fat on top of it makes you like a being from another planet. My self-esteem has taken a tremendous hit in the past few years, probably the past 7-10 years, but I am really noticing it lately. And, I am going to have to do something about it! Not sure what, but I need to do something. Walking around hating everyone who is what I am not is NOT the answer!

I really feel the need to do some exercise. Right now, I can only manage floor stuff (like stretches, crunches, etc). My foot has been hurting so badly that I can hardly stand it. I need to go to the Dr (actually, the podiatrist) but just thinking about that, the copay, the time away, getting a sitter, and the like, has turned me off of it. But, I need to get it done. Also, I am kind of afraid of what they will say. My Achilles has been messed up for some time. I know I have achilles tendonitis (already diagnosed), but am also pretty sure I have plantar fasciitis and I am afraid I now may also have heel spurs. I think I have let things go too long and will eventually need surgery. Somewhere, I am in denial about all this and think I will someday run again. Another reason to resent getting old!
OK, so when is my feeling of wisdom and experience outweigh the regret and disappointment I feel for losing my youth? I think that part of the problem is that I can't live the life of an almost 50-year-old women. I have little kids and a baby...that stuff is for YOUNG people! God, I am tired!

2 comments:

  1. Someone once said, "How do you expect others to love you if you don't love yourself?" So love yourself. Hard as that may seem, it's the only way to start. And know that people do care about you. Your kids care, don't they? I think so. And I care.

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